I am so filled with hate. I hate my ex. I hate that I said yes. I hate that all the times I tried to say we need to cancel the wedding he ignored me and told me I was just scared. I hate that when my father came over and told him he was making a mistake by not cancelling I didn't chime in with my father. I hate myself for letting it all happen.
I want to erase this all from my life. Erase spending $30,000 on a wedding that was a mistake. I can't wait until the day I wake up from this moment and stop regretting. I believe life is a series of events, some you like, some you do not. But you shouldn't regret. Even when you don't like something that happened... it teaches you something. I just want to be happy I learned.
But I'm hating my lesson and hating him even more. I chose to seperate because not wanting to sleep with my own husband seems like a really huge problem to me. I'm trying to do right and figure me out, and this mess I've created. What a HUGE mess!
All the bastard can do is tell me how I'm making his life hell by not staying up his ass now that we're seperated and how he needs me back. You don't need to be married to someone that didn't want to marry you. Why is this complicated? Right now... I just want to know when... when will I stop regretting I ever met him? When?
Wow that really sucks. I wish you the best! I am sure that in time you will be able to figure out what is best for you to do and get over him.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling the aftermath of all of this. Things happen for a reason. Maybe it wasn't the right time? You just go on with life and go out and clear your mind. You still have a life to live.
ReplyDeletedamn. is there a better word than damn?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're going through this. The frustration of it all - at least you know this a matter of time really.. to heal from this. Although you're right to say "when"
I don't know when..I wish I could tell you..but what I can say is this is a huge experience to have as an early 20 something..your resilience will surprise you and this is probably going to help you speak up in the future about what you do and what you don't want. thats an important lesson that most of us struggle with and live miserable lives for. Not to shove a silver lining in your face :) but you'd be surprised.. thats a huge deal.
but in the meantime
(( hugs )) hang in there..
My sister married young as well. She was 21. No one liked the guy and we all told her not to do it. After two horrible years they divorced. While they were married she worked a variety of jobs and gave up her dream of dancing. (she's wonderful.) She worked so hard just to make ends meet for them.
ReplyDeleteAfter she left she moved to a new city. She didn't finish school so she had to get a job in a clothing store as well as several other side jobs. She started saving money so she could attend dance classes on the side. She grew up mostly with ballet training, but took ballroom for fun. One day one of the teachers pulled her aside and told her she needed to be doing this for a living. She took a course to learn to teach ballroom, and then started training with a guy who was in need of a dance partner. They've competed in several competitions, and now she's dancing full time. She just opened her own studio last month, and has met an amazing guy who treats her right and has his own business, so he's been able to guide her through all of her new endeavours.
She's 27 and has so much to look forward to. Don't give up. Your life is far from over.