I Have What???

So... I went to the doctors yesterday. I'm so sick of the doctors. I'm about 95% sure those people are clueless. I think maybe just as clueless as I am. I walk in and point my finger in the configuration of my symptoms. They scrath their heads and nod.

... At first, I say, I had really bad heart burn that just wouldn't go away. ... Then, I mention, the growing intensity of back pain. Pretty, pretty picture I just painted. They all press on my stomache, "does this hurt?" ... Of course it hurts, you fucking dork. I hate feeling peoples finger tips burried into the flesh of my belly. Duh!

So they decided I probably have this Gallbladder Disease crap. Like my life isn't complicated enough right now? This would mean surgery and an additional two weeks out of work... and since I'm still in the introductory period, those are two unpaid weeks! Thank you very fucking much! Are they shitting me? Let my Gallbladder kill me, you can't take it out!! They have to rule out any other possibilities first and find out for sure it is what we all dread.

They run me down to have X-rays. I feel somewhat like I've been arrested... being forced into the gown smelling heavily of bleach, being walked down the hall and escorted into the room where I have to keep turning for pictures. They have the results on those immediately and tell me I have no tumors or a collapsed lung. PHEW!!! Jesus, I sooo would not have gone if I knew they were going to try to scare the shit out of me!

They take me back to the small room to take my blood. It's the same story, different day. My veins are tough, I warn her, they usually take from my hands. "Oh.. well we'll see," she tells me. She looks at my arms momentarily and decides I might be right. Well... I've been poked aproximately 50 times with only about 20 successful blood draws, you think I'd be aware by now. The nurse at the Red Cross told me not to come back until I was 40 and my veins were ready to cooperate. For real?? So she pokes one hand, digging in so deep I swear she came out the other side of my damn vein. And I love watching them twist and fidget it around trying to get the blood to flow. I wince and giggle and try to keep my composure. She says... maybe we should try the other hand. I think to myself... great, I'll be a wounded soldier walking into work tomorrow. She grabs another nurse to take the poke this time. She does much the same as the first until she gets it just right and refuses to move, calling the original nurse back over to switch out the tubes for her. Still... I remain composed, understanding the difficulty of my veins.

Ok she says... you come back first thing tomorrow for an sonogram and an upper GI. Frankly it all sucks, but if it keeps you from cutting out any part of my body, sign me up!

So I get up this morning and go on in. I feel a little like a glazed donut with all the shit she smeared all over my tummy. I lay there taking the newly warmed jelly and rounded camera she's pushing in up under my damn ribs. Then I went up to drink the Barium... They put me in the small holding cell and have me strip down to underwear... holy shit, I didn't... I did, I wore a damn thong! "Leave it open in back," the nurse says as she leaves me. CRAP! Why today? So I do as I am told...

She calls my name and takes me to the room with the big machines. The lady asks if I could be pregnant. I know they are supposed to ask, but how the hell should I know for sure. By the end of the line of questioning, I feel like asking myself if I'm pregnant. NO, Damnit! I'm not. I lay on the table and let them take pretty pictures of Barium whirling through me. The doctor tells me to turn three times. I'm in that stupid gown, I'm laying down, and he wants me to keep turning... by the end my bare ass is totally out there for the doctor to see. Come on now, no more twirling!!! He grabs my gown and covers me, seeing pathetic attempt to regain some dignity... I'm sure looking much the same as a dying fish stranded out of water on that hard flat panel. Thank god he sensed my embarassment and helped me out. I lay there on my tummy completely red from the whole damn experience. And he tells me I'm all set. Man did I run out of there!!

Test results should come soon. Hopefully then I will know what I face. Right now I'm praying for bad acid reflux and a stupid muscle cramp in my back. Wishing it will all just be something else, be anything else... because you can't have my Gallbladder!