I Wish I Knew

I feel like I don't know anything anymore. I thought I knew what I was doing. I was so sure... so resolved. But now, I have no idea what is right. I don't know what I want or how I plan to get there. I'm so lost. I've loved him since the day I met him. The kindest, sweetest, most loving and compassionate man. Then the whole world turned on its axis and not only was he no longer that man... he had become mean in many instances and more often than not incapable of compassion. But how do I change what I see when I look at him? He was so beautiful and I find myself incapable of seeing anything else. I still find him so sexy. I still warm at his touch... when he dares to reach for me. He smile melts me. The good I see in him is unscathed. And each time I close my eyes these two separate souls are still coming from the same body. He thinks I hate him. All this ache I feel us not born of hate, it is born of love. I wish to have him whole, happy, open, loving, and compassionate as my soul mate. It all hurts. I don't know that I want to breathe without him. Maybe I am weak... beyond weak. But I don't want to let him go. God I love him so much. I wish I could love him enough to get him to stay open with me. I wish I could love him enough that he'd stop lashing out with hurtful words breaking those that love him most in an easy breath of arrogance. I wish I knew. I wish I had the dedication and resolve enough to love him despite everything. But when the emptiness comes again... I fear I'll break. I wish... I wish I knew what to do. God, someone take away this pain and tell me what to do.