Crushed

I feel lost. I know this isn’t a new feeling... but it is where I am.

I feel stuck in an in-between. I’m trying to let go of something… and trying to grab a hold of something. I’m trying to learn new things... while still impressing upon the old. I’m trying to be happy... and embrace new power and temptations without submerging in the moment.

All of me is struggling. Little me, big me, old me, and new me. I want to be better. And yet, I look up sometimes and I see all the weaknesses I always had. I see all the struggles I thought I’d overcome. I want to be strong enough to walk away. Not just walk away because I need to, but to walk away because I fucking can... and that knowledge is my power.

It’s like I just flung my body into the deepest water I could find. And maybe... I'm drowning.

At twenty-seven... I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever be the person I want to be. Happy, successful, in love, with a family, and confidence… real confidence... for once in my life. Not this bullshit I spew to make them believe or potentially even fool myself into believing. But for once, whole, sincere knowledge of my value.

My insides feel crushed today, paralyzed by emotions I just don’t want. I never know when it is safe to trust myself... let alone all the others.

I open so completely... I open myself to the pain. When will I learn. Learn to stop letting myself be hurt and choked by my own saliva. Crushed by my own desire for more.

Like everytime I cross the road and I envision myself being struck by a car. I know what it really is, I know it is my own dangerous thoughts... and I allow myself to cross. It's just my imagination. It's all in my poisonous fucking head. All this fear. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I'm sick of holding back. I'm sick of being the person with logic.

What if I let go? Fuck... what kind of bullshit am I trying to spin? I could never fucking let go!! Wrapped up tighter than a balloon string... I could never be free like that. Instead... I just hurt. Instead... I am crushed.

Kind Hearts So Far Away

I moved around a lot growing up.  Every time I would start to feel at home in my home something would change.  A parent would dream of greener pastures and I was uprooted and moved.  There were small moves, just up the road, but most of them were big.  From city to city and from state to state.

Every new home we had, I'd find a new friend.  I don't even remember how I did it half the time.  I guess I was brave.  I'd find someone and the conversation would start and just grow from there. 

I latched quickly.  I invested myself in them. I loved them completely.  Where they went, I went.  What they wanted, I wanted them to have.  Any fears they had, I wanted to squash.  Any dreams they had, I wanted to help them achieve. 

... and then we'd move again.  So, here I am at twenty-seven years old and I have friends everywhere.  But worse... I don't have a friend here.

As this person that lived to be a part of others' lives, having so little contact breaks my heart.  Lately this pain is at a head. 

This pain is probably so prevelant because in the last two years I've lost (physical proxmity with) three of the most special women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing in my life.  The roommate who became like a sister to me the day she moved in, moved back south.  An old coworker who had become a close friend moved back west.

But the hardest of all has been the loss of my cousin, my best friend.  She was my snuggle, cuddle buddy.  She was a sweet smile, soft heart, and warmth in my soul everyday.  Strong, smart, loving, just purely amazing.  I miss her.  ... she moved to find work because of this shitty ass economy.

Everyday I think about it, it breaks my heart a little more.  It hurts to miss all my friends so much.  And it hurts to feel so alone here, without any of them.  It's been a hard couple of years.  I want them back.

I don't even feel like I know how to make friends anymore.  To feel so busy and be surrounded by so many people and to feel lonely.  It's hard.

I want to bring all these girls back and be surrounded by all the amazing love and kindness our friendships were born from. My heart aches. I miss these beautiful, amazing women that I got to know when I was growing up.

Intertwined Enough??

Today I'm captivated by the thought of Doc. I told him that I wouldn't blog about him... but he just won't leave my thoughts.

His sweet smile, his soft skin, the way his hands caress me, the way his smooth voice comforts me, the delicate warmth of his breath, and the profound allure of his tender lips. It is all driving me mad. I laid in bed with him last night... we repeated the act of talking and making love over and over for hours.


We wrap around each other and form puddles. Neither of us dares to let go. His skin ignites me in unforgettable ways. The way he moves like he's known my body for years... and loved me all the while. God, I melt. It is all so soft, so sexy, and so terrifying.

I feel myself letting go of all restraint. Not that I want to be restrained, but society is telling me I should. Society tells me things this good don't happen. Fuck - history tells me, too! I fear trusting him, this, and myself. But it feels so unimaginably good I don't even want to hold back.

The guilt pours into me. Because from everywhere around me I hear to take it slow. I hear I move too fast. I hear I fall too hard. I want not to let that all down but all I want to be... is wrapped up in him.

The rest of my day is full of longing. The way he fills me, in every way. I want nothing else. All I can think about is him... the thought of not seeing him tonight... the fact the he works just across the road. I want to go to him. I want to touch him and be touched by him. Fuck distance - how did I live the last 26 years of my life without him?

I don't want to tell anyone else because I don't want to hear the criticism and judgements. I just want him. I just want to enjoy him. Forget reality. I lose all sight of safety, because to me... he is the only safety I need. I know this is dangerous, I fear I will resent myself for it later. But right now I am blind.

Why do I choose this blindness? If I didn't take on this blind faith I wouldn't get hurt so much... but I also wouldn't love so completely and feel so full. I fear these words sound like those I wrote about ex two years ago. I don't want to be naive, again. But the only way not to be, is not a way I am willing to sacrifice.

I don't know if I can be intertwined enough with him. Because the more I have, the more I want. The deeper I feel him, the more I press onto him. I don't know that I could ever touch or be touched by him enough to feel like it is too much. Fuck... I want him deeper, harder, and more than ever!!

Blogging?

I think I've decided to begin blogging again. The way life ebbs and flows can drive a person mad if they do not take the time to consider and reflect on all the fluctuations. I find myself at yet another point of perplexity.

I want so much to feel resolved. I start to think I could find a happiness and it gets yanked away. I just begin to catch my breath and I am served another blow.

One relationship ends and I'm back to trying to find my ground. I'm back to attempting happiness in a reality of seemingly unhappy moments. I begin to move on and I find not only my heart holding me back but those around me. How can you expect to completely let go of someone you shared your life with? If given the choice... would you not want to reserve the pain and take time to break down the fear?

I fear in breaking down so slowly I may lose the opportunity to know and love others. It is sad the pressure we place, as a society, on moving the relationship forward. We make jokes about men who spend their lives evading commitment. We make jokes about women and their endless to desire to commit. So if we all see a flaw in these two polar opposites... why is it we cannot create a semblance of balance.

I want my friend to hold my hand, to talk to, to trust, to spend hours with... just sharing reality. That each question and theory we share helps us move forward, in a world filled with useless knowledge, smarter.


Most of all I will miss the touch of another. The warmth, the softness, the caress back, and the all around appreciation for just sharing space. Why can't we, as men and women just learn to appreciate the balance? And sometimes, the lack there of?

In this moment I find myself stricken with a sadness I had not foreseen. I wish people would always be who they claim to be. Unfortunately, I think people commonly don't know themselves, and hence why, by the end of the day we've both lose sight of you.

This is why I will stick by blogging as opposed to writing or talking to others. Blogging does not judge, create distance, find remorse, or disappear without explanation. Yes, I prefer blogging... if only I had thought to turn to it sooner. I'm the only one I can trust.

Does blogging bring this resolution to everyone?

Trust Bashed? (continued from 'Why Did It?')

And now I know why I had that feeling it would turn into a one-night stand. I feel like someone just took the little trust I had left in males and beat the fuck out of it with an iron frying pan...

I was walking through the grocery store, minding my own business, wishing the incredible pain in my neck would go away and... I saw him. My gut impulse was to jump behind something to hide but I kept walking. The longer I looked... the more I noticed. The insanely large bag of dog food in his cart, you know, the one that resembles the size of a small to medium sized child. And it hit me... why would a soon-to-deploy soldier need so much dog food? And what's more... why would a man who doesn't have the Great Dane he dreams of having some day need it?

I instantly began to feel sick. I see him leaning over his cart to speak with someone in front of it. I peek around the aisle-end to see... her. Young, pretty, thin. I step up my pace to an extremely fast walk. If I were at the lake I'd resemeble one of those old women walking so fast her arms would look like they were reaching for the sky in an attempt to walk faster. I put my hand to the side of my face in an effort to hide. Why the fuck am I hiding??

I've done nothing wrong. I told him I didn't want to have sex. I have a very simple 'no involved men' rule. So not only did the events of last night occur despite my every hope that they not. I'm stuck in the grocery storee with a piece of shit guy who chose me to help him cheat.

Mankind is at an all-time new low. And worse, I think I let them. Now I will probably take on double the amount of cynicism and criticism when talking to new men. That way I will be treated even more like I'm a crazy bitch... just for trying to protect myself from this.

Had I been thinking, I would have walked up and said 'hello'. I should have made him uncomfortable. I should have ruined his entire world. Afterall, he is the stupid fuck that can't respect either of us enough or manage enough self-control to keep it in his pants. I'm tempted to text him... or call him. I don't know what I'd say. He has all the control. I should have stolen it in the middle of Wal-Mart.

Why do I allow them to bash my little remaining trust like this?

A Concept of Accountability

Does anyone actually do what they say they are going to anymore? I mean, I know men are men. But there has to be some degree of... 'I told this person I would see them, so I should see them'. Doesn't there???

So for those of you curious about my Monday night endeavors... they didn't happen. What the fuck do I care, honestly... my sexual needs are completely filled ... for now. But I went on my marry way as planned. I got out of work, hurried up and got to the gym so I could get done, was ready to get home and get cleaned up for the action. But knowing him... knowing how this always plays out, I texted him at the end of my workout to make sure it was all still on schedule.

It wasn't... of course. Why would I trust him? This man has shown me nothing but a lack of accountability. He has told me I was number one on his list and continued on to prove to me I really wasn't. And yet, I'm still blind to it. Someone hang me upside down and slap the shit out of me. Why can't I see? He says he wants to see me and I move shit around because the idea of being wanted stirs me so deeply. But I'm not really... it's just a fix. He reminds me of that everytime and I can't stop opening myself up to it. It's insanity, in the purest form.

... But he's not the only one. This chess game plays over and over in a rhythmic, pre-planned attack and everytime I fall into the trap that I think so many women must fall into. Why can't I see his moves ahead of time? Why can't I see that he is luring me in? He has no intention of coaxing me into a sweet lesson to be remembered but rather this vicious cycle of regret. I get ready... and wait. Does every woman do this? Do we all just wait? Do we all sit hating ourselves for believing? Do we wallow in self-pitty that we didn't see it coming? GAH! I beat myself up! And for what? Because this piece of shit couldn't have the foresight to think of me before making intercepting plans for our evening. I should have known! And worst... to ask why or how he could forget or plan without thinking of how it would affect... makes me into a clingy bitch. Then I'm the one in the wrong. I'm the one without a life because I planned for my stupid plans!!

I went back to gym once he finally texted me back asking to reschedule. BAH!!! Reschedule???? Are you insane!?! Well... yes, I am. But I even told him I didn't think rescheduling would work. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of my anger. For once I stood on my own two and screamed softly back at him, "I will always be last on your list!" He texted back, "I understand."... he fucking understands and I know he will do it again next time.

Does anyone have a concept of accountability anymore? I curse myself for stereotyping, but why do men do this? Is this some sort of protection system? Why am I always made out to be the bad guy because someone else doesn't have enough respect? Fuck it, don't respect me... someone else will have the pleasure of my naked body against theirs! At least... until the next time he asks for me...

Trust Me?

There are some out there that just don't know how to be honest... I get stuck in the situation where I feel like I've said the same thing tens times, and somehow still don't feel like the other person is hearing me. Am I not saying it right, are they not listening, or do they just not care to hear?

For instance... I've been talking to a local guy for a few days. He found me online, of course, and we have been planning to actually meet up for a short while. We talk about some of the weirdest stuff. There are the "what's the kinkiest thing you've ever done" questions and then there are the "how many kids do you want to have" kind of questions. But more than anything I feel like he just wants to jump me the second I arrive.

I ignore my feelings and my gut impulse to run and hide. I keep telling myself I'm probably wrong, maybe I can hold my own even if he tries something. We've discussed my feelings and my extreme aspiration that there be absolutely no sex the first time we meet... how dare me, right??? After some coercion I felt I had won him over, that the only way I would put myself through a two hour drive to meet a stranger is if I knew I would not be balling my eyes out on the drive home. I need to stick to my guns and respect myself and the fact that I think sex the first time I meet someone is a bad idea. So I told him he must agree and make the decision with me that this would be a hands-off encounter.

... And yet every conversation since we made that "mutual" decision has been about him sucking my tits... does this seem off to anyone else??? I try to play it off. Then it's more of the same... "are you sure we can't?" "what if I just?" "does masterbation count?" ... etc. Are you fucking kidding me? Of course it counts!!

So what the hell is my ambivalence? How can I not see this fruit loop is only out for one thing? And even more... since I clearly do see, why do I find it so damn difficult to just say I'm not coming?

I feel like the one person in the world I need to trust is me. And yet the hardest person in the world for me to trust... is me. I'll listen to the bullshit, the headgames, and the lies any man will spin me before ever just listening to myself. There has got to be a switch on me somewhere... and it is clearly flipped in the wrong direction. I just need to trust myself and my intuition.

I texted him... I'm not going. Why do I feel so insecure in this decision? I feel a lot like a turtle flopped onto its back. I'm scrambling, grabbing, and reaching... Why can't I trust me?

Anticipation Is Everything

The moment waiting for the guest-of-honor to arrive at the birthday party. Everyone rustling and bustling, eating and drinking, talking and moving about... just waiting for that very second to come. They are all on the tips of their toes, the edges of their seats. Talking muffled and hushed listening intently for the sound of feet nearing or the jingle of keys unlocking. Just so we can all hide and then fall into embrace the newly arrived with screams of 'SURPISE'.

The moment standing in line waiting for the ride to come to an end so you can get on. Watching the patrons already on it wondering why the hell their ride is lasting so long. You count the people ahead of you in line for the thrid time making sure this next time... this is your time. Watching the operator hit the controls and just seeing the stupid ride change directions instead of halting. When it finally stops wishing the kids would just got off already so that the gate will open and you will be let in for your turn. Sitting down in the seat and waiting for all the patrons to be checked in apropriately and yes you are securely fastened, as well... and finally you feel it jolt and ease forward for your turn.

The moment when you meet just the right person and everything clicks. You stare into their eyes wondering if it's safe. It's going through the motions... meeting the first time and breaking the ice, exchanging numbers and waiting for the phone call follow-up, the second meeting - praying to still have that chemistry and when you're touching for the first time you feel the hairs on your arms stand at attention, the kiss that melts you because their lips feel just as breath-taking on yours as you ever could have imagined and thank you god they know how to use them, falling into bed with them and not hurting anyone on the way down and nearing the climax during sex - and thanking god you got to have one this time.

Its all so close you can taste it. It makes your heart race and your body wiggle. But what do you do in that moment when it finally arrives? Do you let the whole experience crash over you like a much too large wave at the ocean's shore... or do you jump into it and ride it out until you've experienced every last joy it could give.

You don't want to let it crash, you don't want it to drop, you can't fall now... you must find balance. Aniticipation is everything. It can make or break you. Wanting so hard to have it. Knowing it should come and telling yourself... it will come! And then it does come and it leaves you gasping for air and beating heart be-stilled.

I just had my moment. I'm still speechless ... what to do in my moment ... but smile. I knew you would come.