Blogging?

I think I've decided to begin blogging again. The way life ebbs and flows can drive a person mad if they do not take the time to consider and reflect on all the fluctuations. I find myself at yet another point of perplexity.

I want so much to feel resolved. I start to think I could find a happiness and it gets yanked away. I just begin to catch my breath and I am served another blow.

One relationship ends and I'm back to trying to find my ground. I'm back to attempting happiness in a reality of seemingly unhappy moments. I begin to move on and I find not only my heart holding me back but those around me. How can you expect to completely let go of someone you shared your life with? If given the choice... would you not want to reserve the pain and take time to break down the fear?

I fear in breaking down so slowly I may lose the opportunity to know and love others. It is sad the pressure we place, as a society, on moving the relationship forward. We make jokes about men who spend their lives evading commitment. We make jokes about women and their endless to desire to commit. So if we all see a flaw in these two polar opposites... why is it we cannot create a semblance of balance.

I want my friend to hold my hand, to talk to, to trust, to spend hours with... just sharing reality. That each question and theory we share helps us move forward, in a world filled with useless knowledge, smarter.


Most of all I will miss the touch of another. The warmth, the softness, the caress back, and the all around appreciation for just sharing space. Why can't we, as men and women just learn to appreciate the balance? And sometimes, the lack there of?

In this moment I find myself stricken with a sadness I had not foreseen. I wish people would always be who they claim to be. Unfortunately, I think people commonly don't know themselves, and hence why, by the end of the day we've both lose sight of you.

This is why I will stick by blogging as opposed to writing or talking to others. Blogging does not judge, create distance, find remorse, or disappear without explanation. Yes, I prefer blogging... if only I had thought to turn to it sooner. I'm the only one I can trust.

Does blogging bring this resolution to everyone?

Being Me...

All I can ever be is me. I was born in this skin. I was born with these eyes and this smile. I walk in these shoes. And tomorrow I will wake up as that same me. I do not write to please anyone. Yes... somewhere in the back of my mind I want to be appreciated, somewhere in the back of my mind I always want to please. But the day I sat down to start writing... I sat down for me. I sat down to vent, to clear my mind, to find connections between the thousands of looming thoughts swirling in my brain. If, as a biproduct, I found a connection with others and began making someone smile, say wow, or feel even the slightest something... then it was a happy result for me.

I will not stop my blog for you. I will not stop my blog for anyone. I sat in the grass beneath the tree beside my mother and fought myself on these very thoughts. What am I afraid of? So what if people know who I am? So what if they know I've had sex? So what if they know my fears? Honestly... does any of this change who I am at the end of the day? ... No. Why then, should I let that fear rule me? ... I won't.

So... the fact that people have found me cannot be my determining factor. I am writing to be a better me. I am writing to find myself and to improve myself. Ultimately, that means I need to see even the shit I am ashamed of... whether or not you see it is of no effect. I will not give anyone the right to have power over me or my blog. My choice and my voice was stolen by abusers, rapists, and assholes. All too often... I let them take it. I'm still too afraid to fight for it, for myself, for my voice in so many instances, but this one is mine!

The final questions are... Can I find the freedom to write as I began writing with despite knowing my ex decided to pass around my blog information to his family? Can I know that there may be malicious eyes on me waiting for me to fail and still admit all my truths?

I will be the best me I can be oneday, even if today I am not. This is my voice and I will continue to write!!

A Successful-Happy...

The weekend proved to be a good test of my new-found goal at happiness. I do think I faired quite well. It felt a much like a roller coaster though. There were moments when I felt pleased with myself and with my surroundings and moments when I succombed to the temptation to want beyond my current surroundings.

I started off by writing my list on Friday and hoping I could make the very best of all my weekend time - minus a male presence of course. I was quickly thrown back when an opportunity to be around a male presented itself and then was quickly taken away. For a moment I felt wanted, and as always that brings me to a sense of happiness. I have such a hard time being in on Fridays. I hate sitting alone watching the time pass. Truly, where does this come from? I have spent so many Friday and Saturday nights pissed off at my loneliness. Who says I have to be out doing something??

This time, I made a choice... I will ask someone and get the hell out. Mindful of the fact I won't go out alone, I looked to my best friend. She works on Fridays and Saturdays... which always makes this navagation a bit difficult. But I called anyway. I coerced her into going out after she got off work at 9pm. I offered to take her to the bar where she can ride the bull. Honestly... I think it's the stupidest damn thing and only the prettiest of the pretty can pull this damn thing off looking hott. I am not one of them.

We danced for nearly four hours instead of the planned two hours. I had my piece of happiness back... minus the male. Go me! :) She was slow to start dancing but I won her over... and we eventually even climbed up onto the speakers to be on show for all to see. I loved it... hit two items of my happiness list at once... yipee! I did feel spells of longing just to have someone dancing with me, but I shook them off and reminded myself just the dancing was enjoyment enough. I even found a new dance I'm totally into... called the Cupid Shuffle. I had to turn and watch others since this was only my second time hearing it, but it was a blast!

Saturday, I lounged around my apartment and ran around doing some errands. Until I got a call from my cousin hoping to come over again. We ended up joining a party across the apartment courtyard. There was probably more alcohol involved than I think is really needed. But I got to meet some new people and be social... again, it was a very enjoyable evening.

Sunday, I spent a few hours lounging by the pool and swimming. God, it was glorious! I love everything about swimming! It feels good and its healthy, how could you go wrong? I went home to cook something I had never made before. Penne with Vodka Sauce... and yes, it came out yummy!

I don't know how long I'll be strong. Today I feel lonely. I keep wondering why my phone is not vibrating, why no one is thinking of me. I'm trying to remind myself how unnecessary this concern is and how silly I am being. But... in the name of honesty, I'm having a hard time avoiding the feelings. So I already tried to book a date with my roommate for the gym this evening. I'm trying to focus on my work and keep my mind occupied with music.

All-in-all, I think It was a good weekend. But can I keep it up?? ...wish me luck!