The Warmth

There may be something about the slow sizzle of spring that makes me so weak. We talk about spring fever in an escence of teasing desire, but what it really truly means has nothing to do with being a teenager in love.

This warmth flows over my body and I long to be laying on a blanket in the grass beside you. I long to feel heat radiating from your body encompassing my desire with one ebb of air.

I want to reach out and touch you. I want to listen to your heartbeat with my ear pressed firmly to your chest. I want to run my fingers over the soft skin on your arms. To feel the dimple of your elbow and the kiss of sweat on the inside of it. To run my fingers through your hair and watch your eyes droop at the soothing sensation.

So many things about my desires just don't fit. So much of who I am just doesn't work with us. But no matter the ill-fit of our lives, I still want to breathe you.

I wish I could change it. You, me, us... but I can't. Nothing of this is changeable. This has all proven too much. We touch for what... habit, lust, fear, regret?

So here I am wishing it could be like that again. Here I am wishing to embrace all the warmth that is embracing me this season. I miss you. It hurts inside knowing that I chose this. I chose to come back to this stuckness.

I read back on the things I've had, the people I've met, the way we touched. It makes me sore. I want to be alive. I want to feel. To be the passionate person I was born to be and embraced for all that I bring to this relationship.

Someday I will picnic again. Someday I will lay beside a man that loves me for me. Someday I will be brave enough to walk away and find what I deserve. But until then this warmth will continue to melt me.

Intertwined Enough??

Today I'm captivated by the thought of Doc. I told him that I wouldn't blog about him... but he just won't leave my thoughts.

His sweet smile, his soft skin, the way his hands caress me, the way his smooth voice comforts me, the delicate warmth of his breath, and the profound allure of his tender lips. It is all driving me mad. I laid in bed with him last night... we repeated the act of talking and making love over and over for hours.


We wrap around each other and form puddles. Neither of us dares to let go. His skin ignites me in unforgettable ways. The way he moves like he's known my body for years... and loved me all the while. God, I melt. It is all so soft, so sexy, and so terrifying.

I feel myself letting go of all restraint. Not that I want to be restrained, but society is telling me I should. Society tells me things this good don't happen. Fuck - history tells me, too! I fear trusting him, this, and myself. But it feels so unimaginably good I don't even want to hold back.

The guilt pours into me. Because from everywhere around me I hear to take it slow. I hear I move too fast. I hear I fall too hard. I want not to let that all down but all I want to be... is wrapped up in him.

The rest of my day is full of longing. The way he fills me, in every way. I want nothing else. All I can think about is him... the thought of not seeing him tonight... the fact the he works just across the road. I want to go to him. I want to touch him and be touched by him. Fuck distance - how did I live the last 26 years of my life without him?

I don't want to tell anyone else because I don't want to hear the criticism and judgements. I just want him. I just want to enjoy him. Forget reality. I lose all sight of safety, because to me... he is the only safety I need. I know this is dangerous, I fear I will resent myself for it later. But right now I am blind.

Why do I choose this blindness? If I didn't take on this blind faith I wouldn't get hurt so much... but I also wouldn't love so completely and feel so full. I fear these words sound like those I wrote about ex two years ago. I don't want to be naive, again. But the only way not to be, is not a way I am willing to sacrifice.

I don't know if I can be intertwined enough with him. Because the more I have, the more I want. The deeper I feel him, the more I press onto him. I don't know that I could ever touch or be touched by him enough to feel like it is too much. Fuck... I want him deeper, harder, and more than ever!!

Hot In Here... Or Just Me?

For the last couple weeks... I have been fighting the urges that had once felt so primal to me. I don't want to make it sound like I'm all the shit, cause God knows there are too many out there that already believe that they are, but I have a waiting list. Or at least figuratively. It's not like I make them take numbers or anything, they just choose to stick around, to wait, and to want. The ones I've fucked before too that beg to be back in my noisy ass bed slamming me and feeling it all once again.

I had been trying to stay sober - so to speak. I was trying to sleep with no one. Trying to be the good girl this society has raised me to be. I just happen to let it all out occasionally and fuck like crazy. But not now. For now I'll wear the mini-skirt and just tease the living-shit out of him!

But honestly, I am feeling so damned weak!! I try to meet them a few times first, mostly. I try to follow the rules. I try not to kiss too much, if at all... cause baby, once the river starts flowing... I can't make it stop! I try to stay out of my apartment, because once the fever begins I do not know how to cool it down and we are headed for the back room!


What happens when I get this insatiable lust and I have no (special) one to quench it? ... well. LOL... there are toys, but it is just not the same. All those men that see the Big Pink vibrator come out of the drawer and their eyes grow as fast as their tents are pitched - they think that means they must not be good enough. They are dead fucking wrong! Big Pink does not have those sexy, manly hands to run up my thighs and over my hips.

So, I can fall down and take care of it on my own... but I'd really prefer not to. If I were with a guy I'd totally do it for him. But I'm not with one. I'm all alone and this heat is killing me. It is a totally raw desire. Everything inside of me seems to be speaking the same language and screaming it! My entire body is overwhelmed and somehow under-touched. Can't fucking imagine how that is possible... but my body sure is preaching it.

Unwilling to step to the back with Big Pink on my own, filled with lust and a ravenous craving to fuck the shit out of some guy, to feel that incredible friction. Do I just pick a number? Do I throw it all to the wind? Forget these fabulous morals I've been trying to train myself to endure? Most of all, where the fuck did this heat come from and when will it pass??? Dear God... I need an ice storm!

Dance With Me

I went out last night with my new roommate. I really had such an awesome time. Got way more shit-faced than, honestly, necessary. I have such a thing for the club. I love the excercise and the music. I love having it so loud I can feel it.



I am confused about the men though. The ones that stand around and just watch. I feel sort of like I'm at a meat market and I'm on show. Oh... "look at the breasts over there," "no wait look at those thighs," and "what about the hips"... I don't mind watching a hot guys eyes travel down my curvy body, seeing his lips curve into a smirk as he traces the lines. Its totally exhilirating feeling that hot.



Then there is the random guy that thinks your dancing is just too fucking tempting, I mean... otherwise how the fuck could anyone think its appropraite to rub their cock up against your ass just because you are shaking it, without asking?? I know it takes balls to ask a girl to dance, but I assure you once you feel my ass grinding against you, you'll be so fucking happy you did. On the other hand, if I'm dancing and suddenly feel something behind me, I'm going to move. I think the least you can do... is ask. Don't you?



But I was getting near the end of my limit. It had been 3 Patron shots and 4 rum & cokes. I was finally feeling the buzz. The music was crashing into my body in waves and I was doing my best to keep my hips in line with the music. I felt like everything in the club was being taken over by a cloud. The dusty fuzz covering the bar and the bar tender, the dancers, the poles and the mirrors, my companions and their drinks. And all I could do was dance and dream...



... It took me back. I closed my eyes and I was somewhere else. The music was just as loud, the room was just as hot... but he was behind me. I felt his finger tips slide down my sides as I raised my arms dancing to chant of the music. Felt his hands cruve as he neared my breasts... and felt his breath grow closer to my neck the more he wished to have his mouth on me. I felt the rock of his hips echo mine in the steady rush of the beat. This was where I wanted to be. With him... you.... right behind me.



I loved watching him when I needed a break. I stepped back and sat up on the wall. It had been four hours of steady dancing and my thighs were throbbing. The music was so compelling I wanted to be moving again. I sat there a moment trying to stable myself and catch my breath. Dancing with someone I refuse to miss a beat... I want him to feel every pulse that runs through my body and into his. Within a few moments I was back on my feet. I watched him step out of the way of passing dancers, this is so rare, I thought. He is so rare. I thought to myself about what a gentleman he must be and I loved it. I wanted to be back pressed against him, feeling his hands on me again... but I would never ask... NEVER.



I let the music take me back and I got lost once again in rhythm dancing on the wall. I got near the edge where he was and he touched me... his eyes peered up at me and I knew he wanted what I wanted. He wanted me back pressed against him too. I went back down to the dance floor and it felt incredible. I felt his hands on my hips and I shouted back at him... "my pants won't stay up, you'll have my bare ass on you soon" ... he shouted back, "then you know what I go through, I'll keep them up for you". We intertwined fingers and caressed my hips together and I pulled him all around me. His lips teased my neck and it took every ounce of me not to wet my panties on the spot. I failed... completely covered in sweat, in lust, and him. My eyes closed and I melted back against him erasing everyone else from the room. It was the most incredible feeling, I never want to let it go.



... And I won't let it go. Thats why here nearly a month later its still in my mind. That dance, I can still feel it on my body, I can still feel it in my mind. What a perfectly sexy moment. I think I will take it with me whenever I go out, now. How can one moment pull you so hard? How can one moment make you feel so in heat? I'm so happy I got that moment.

Eroticized Water

Ok, so I'm going swimming today. My cousin invited me out on the boat with her and her father. I dove at the opportunity. I absolutely love water. How could I not, I am a water baby after all. I love feeling the cool silky sensation surround every inch of my body. And when it's hot out, truly nothing could be better.

My confusion comes mainly from my past experiences from water. Inching my way down the beach with someone beside me. Lowering those sensative parts in one damn millimeter at a time. Until finally you jump in head first and get it all over with. I am well padded so I float effortlessly. I feel so free in the water. I swim a few strokes and then... then it's on!

I get near him. Crouching down in the water under him as he stands above me is so completely sexy to me. Tip-toeing closesr until I can run my hands up his thighs and I do. Tugging lightly at the elastic band of his suit... staring up at him as he's looking down at me... inches from where we both want me to be... my bobbing breasts grazing his thighs. And the second I have him on his knees at my water level ... my legs wrap around his waist and all four of our hands begin to explore what is unseen due to the murk of the water.

This happens to me so much... this overwhelming sexual desire that comes from being in water and near someone so sexy. I feel a little naughty, afterall, most swimming areas are public and that means children everywhere. But if you can keep it unseen... is there truly a harm here? Each time I think I will be a good girl, but lets be frank here, I won't be. And oh my god, it is so much fun!! Clearly the swimming can't last long at this rate. We're lucky if we can make it home. Might have to just take him in the car seat. ;) Either way clothes will be coming off!

Of course I love skinny-dipping... and I love going out late at night when the beach is deserted and doing everything I wanted to do in the water when there was daylight. But is something wrong with me? How could water make me so overwhelimingly hot? Does water do this to anyone else? Or should I just chalk this up to being a nympho?

Anticipation Is Everything

The moment waiting for the guest-of-honor to arrive at the birthday party. Everyone rustling and bustling, eating and drinking, talking and moving about... just waiting for that very second to come. They are all on the tips of their toes, the edges of their seats. Talking muffled and hushed listening intently for the sound of feet nearing or the jingle of keys unlocking. Just so we can all hide and then fall into embrace the newly arrived with screams of 'SURPISE'.

The moment standing in line waiting for the ride to come to an end so you can get on. Watching the patrons already on it wondering why the hell their ride is lasting so long. You count the people ahead of you in line for the thrid time making sure this next time... this is your time. Watching the operator hit the controls and just seeing the stupid ride change directions instead of halting. When it finally stops wishing the kids would just got off already so that the gate will open and you will be let in for your turn. Sitting down in the seat and waiting for all the patrons to be checked in apropriately and yes you are securely fastened, as well... and finally you feel it jolt and ease forward for your turn.

The moment when you meet just the right person and everything clicks. You stare into their eyes wondering if it's safe. It's going through the motions... meeting the first time and breaking the ice, exchanging numbers and waiting for the phone call follow-up, the second meeting - praying to still have that chemistry and when you're touching for the first time you feel the hairs on your arms stand at attention, the kiss that melts you because their lips feel just as breath-taking on yours as you ever could have imagined and thank you god they know how to use them, falling into bed with them and not hurting anyone on the way down and nearing the climax during sex - and thanking god you got to have one this time.

Its all so close you can taste it. It makes your heart race and your body wiggle. But what do you do in that moment when it finally arrives? Do you let the whole experience crash over you like a much too large wave at the ocean's shore... or do you jump into it and ride it out until you've experienced every last joy it could give.

You don't want to let it crash, you don't want it to drop, you can't fall now... you must find balance. Aniticipation is everything. It can make or break you. Wanting so hard to have it. Knowing it should come and telling yourself... it will come! And then it does come and it leaves you gasping for air and beating heart be-stilled.

I just had my moment. I'm still speechless ... what to do in my moment ... but smile. I knew you would come.