Blogging?

I think I've decided to begin blogging again. The way life ebbs and flows can drive a person mad if they do not take the time to consider and reflect on all the fluctuations. I find myself at yet another point of perplexity.

I want so much to feel resolved. I start to think I could find a happiness and it gets yanked away. I just begin to catch my breath and I am served another blow.

One relationship ends and I'm back to trying to find my ground. I'm back to attempting happiness in a reality of seemingly unhappy moments. I begin to move on and I find not only my heart holding me back but those around me. How can you expect to completely let go of someone you shared your life with? If given the choice... would you not want to reserve the pain and take time to break down the fear?

I fear in breaking down so slowly I may lose the opportunity to know and love others. It is sad the pressure we place, as a society, on moving the relationship forward. We make jokes about men who spend their lives evading commitment. We make jokes about women and their endless to desire to commit. So if we all see a flaw in these two polar opposites... why is it we cannot create a semblance of balance.

I want my friend to hold my hand, to talk to, to trust, to spend hours with... just sharing reality. That each question and theory we share helps us move forward, in a world filled with useless knowledge, smarter.


Most of all I will miss the touch of another. The warmth, the softness, the caress back, and the all around appreciation for just sharing space. Why can't we, as men and women just learn to appreciate the balance? And sometimes, the lack there of?

In this moment I find myself stricken with a sadness I had not foreseen. I wish people would always be who they claim to be. Unfortunately, I think people commonly don't know themselves, and hence why, by the end of the day we've both lose sight of you.

This is why I will stick by blogging as opposed to writing or talking to others. Blogging does not judge, create distance, find remorse, or disappear without explanation. Yes, I prefer blogging... if only I had thought to turn to it sooner. I'm the only one I can trust.

Does blogging bring this resolution to everyone?

Blogging?

Ok... so obviously I suck lately! And we're not talking blowjobs! I have been seriously slacking off on writing. Shame on me! Writing is so important to me. So in all things I do... I should continue to write. Things, ideas, blog-spiration comes to me... but I never seem to find the time to write.

So we'll just call this a bad spot in my writing journey. But I just wanted to let you all know and remind myself... blogging is super important to me and it has not left me. I will find time by the end of this week to write! I promise!

I have been incredibly swamped at work, not that that is an excuse... but when I get home I am already torn between whether to sleep, relax, catch up on my DVR'ed tv shows, clean my apartment, get the halloween costume and details all set, work out, eat, be a friend, or just feed whatever addiction I find myself facing at night. In most instances... I just want to escape the computer! I'm trying to figure out where it all fits in.

In any regard... by the end of the week there will be a blog or two... maybe even three if I feel so inspired! I'm missing my blogging world and 20sb-chat friends... In my realm you will not be what I forfeit!

Being Me...

All I can ever be is me. I was born in this skin. I was born with these eyes and this smile. I walk in these shoes. And tomorrow I will wake up as that same me. I do not write to please anyone. Yes... somewhere in the back of my mind I want to be appreciated, somewhere in the back of my mind I always want to please. But the day I sat down to start writing... I sat down for me. I sat down to vent, to clear my mind, to find connections between the thousands of looming thoughts swirling in my brain. If, as a biproduct, I found a connection with others and began making someone smile, say wow, or feel even the slightest something... then it was a happy result for me.

I will not stop my blog for you. I will not stop my blog for anyone. I sat in the grass beneath the tree beside my mother and fought myself on these very thoughts. What am I afraid of? So what if people know who I am? So what if they know I've had sex? So what if they know my fears? Honestly... does any of this change who I am at the end of the day? ... No. Why then, should I let that fear rule me? ... I won't.

So... the fact that people have found me cannot be my determining factor. I am writing to be a better me. I am writing to find myself and to improve myself. Ultimately, that means I need to see even the shit I am ashamed of... whether or not you see it is of no effect. I will not give anyone the right to have power over me or my blog. My choice and my voice was stolen by abusers, rapists, and assholes. All too often... I let them take it. I'm still too afraid to fight for it, for myself, for my voice in so many instances, but this one is mine!

The final questions are... Can I find the freedom to write as I began writing with despite knowing my ex decided to pass around my blog information to his family? Can I know that there may be malicious eyes on me waiting for me to fail and still admit all my truths?

I will be the best me I can be oneday, even if today I am not. This is my voice and I will continue to write!!