Today I had to break the news about Doc's existence. I didn't want to chance any overlap in these relationships. Friends or more... they both deserve honesty and fairness.
It ripped through me like a jagged and dull dagger. I had placed so much of myself with him. He has helped me to want to learn and grow more as a person. Thus, the past year has been full of amazing growth. I am proud to be the person I am today. I may not like me everyday, but I'm tolerable most days.
I texted "... I met someone...".
He said he knew, from the way I had been acting and how I was suddenly quite preoccupied. He said how hurt he felt. This man that has chosen a route of silence and occasional ridicule as his versions of communication. The whole thing flashed before my eyes... and I broke.
It is so hard letting go of a piece of yourself, a piece of your life.
Moving forward with some degree of disregard. This is in no way easy. But it is necessary. It is vital to my relationship with Doc and to my relationship with myself.
I have to be a person I am willing to lay down with every night for the rest of my life. I have to be the person I wake up to. And knowing that I was honest, fair, and respectful to both of them... that makes being me just a little easier.
But in this moment it does not feel easy. In this moment I feel sad. I feel so let down by him. So let down by myself for not being strong enough - because he clearly loves me, just as I've loved him. I feel frustrated with love, relationships, and life in general.
Hurting, however, does not mean I'm doing something wrong. I think so often we believe life should be painless. But pain teaches us so many unimaginable things that we might never have considered before its presence. Pain reminds us life is both good and hard. Pain reminds us to be thankful for who and what we have. Pain reminds me of my growth and continued potential for more.
Ugh - if only the reminders some how made the pain feel worthy or justified...? Does such a thing exist?
What a difference a day makes!
ReplyDeleteHey! I read all your posts in the space of a few hours and I dare say I understand a lot of what you feel. The one thing that I find comforting a lot of times, is that even though I may think I am fucked up, it is somewhat comforting to know that there are others out there that are just as messed up. And truth be told, we are all our own kind of messed up. I wish there was a messed up peoples club or something...I am writing this in the context of some of your posts from around a year ago, so please bear with me if a lot of what I am saying seems utterly random! :P
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I hope everything works out for you...one way or the other, it will.