Back to the Drawing Board

Here I am... approximately 20 months down the road from what I thought was the love of my life. That journey ended about three months ago. I just couldn't take the mountains and valleys of life living with a man that had no touch with his emotions... or any one's for that matter.

It's not that I want some unattainable, godly creation that only Katherine Heigl is worthy of. I don't need the sexiest man alive. I don't need the richest. I don't need the smartest. In fact, it's not about a state of being at all. It's about feeling... his ability to communicate with me so I feel him always there, the trust I feel for him the second he looks me in the eyes, the lust I feel just walking past him, the tingle I feel shoot up my spine when he touches me.

Back to the dating sites, back to the drawing boards. I feel saddened. I didn't want to do it this way again. I wanted to just know him or meet him.

I think I see plenty of men I wouldn't mind getting to know out there... but men are clearly chicken shits. And sadly, I think 95% of the male population expects to find a beautiful toothpick. Toothpick - I am not. I'm no movie star but I have some appeal, a certain attractiveness if you will.

I want to stay on the right path. I continue to find news ways of being strong. I hold my strength and my coping mechanisms as I casually make my way back to the drawing board... suddenly I remember, I hate this fucking drawing board.