Justifiable Pain?

Although I had broken things off with ex a few months ago and he had moved out... we still clearly had a connection. Maybe you could classify it as a booty call. But we did other things together and liked it and in general enjoyed each others presence when it was offered.

Today I had to break the news about Doc's existence. I didn't want to chance any overlap in these relationships. Friends or more... they both deserve honesty and fairness.

It ripped through me like a jagged and dull dagger. I had placed so much of myself with him. He has helped me to want to learn and grow more as a person. Thus, the past year has been full of amazing growth. I am proud to be the person I am today. I may not like me everyday, but I'm tolerable most days.

I texted "... I met someone...".

He said he knew, from the way I had been acting and how I was suddenly quite preoccupied. He said how hurt he felt. This man that has chosen a route of silence and occasional ridicule as his versions of communication. The whole thing flashed before my eyes... and I broke.

It is so hard letting go of a piece of yourself, a piece of your life. Moving forward with some degree of disregard. This is in no way easy. But it is necessary. It is vital to my relationship with Doc and to my relationship with myself.

I have to be a person I am willing to lay down with every night for the rest of my life. I have to be the person I wake up to. And knowing that I was honest, fair, and respectful to both of them... that makes being me just a little easier.

But in this moment it does not feel easy. In this moment I feel sad. I feel so let down by him. So let down by myself for not being strong enough - because he clearly loves me, just as I've loved him. I feel frustrated with love, relationships, and life in general.

Hurting, however, does not mean I'm doing something wrong. I think so often we believe life should be painless. But pain teaches us so many unimaginable things that we might never have considered before its presence. Pain reminds us life is both good and hard. Pain reminds us to be thankful for who and what we have. Pain reminds me of my growth and continued potential for more.

Ugh - if only the reminders some how made the pain feel worthy or justified...? Does such a thing exist?

Intertwined Enough??

Today I'm captivated by the thought of Doc. I told him that I wouldn't blog about him... but he just won't leave my thoughts.

His sweet smile, his soft skin, the way his hands caress me, the way his smooth voice comforts me, the delicate warmth of his breath, and the profound allure of his tender lips. It is all driving me mad. I laid in bed with him last night... we repeated the act of talking and making love over and over for hours.


We wrap around each other and form puddles. Neither of us dares to let go. His skin ignites me in unforgettable ways. The way he moves like he's known my body for years... and loved me all the while. God, I melt. It is all so soft, so sexy, and so terrifying.

I feel myself letting go of all restraint. Not that I want to be restrained, but society is telling me I should. Society tells me things this good don't happen. Fuck - history tells me, too! I fear trusting him, this, and myself. But it feels so unimaginably good I don't even want to hold back.

The guilt pours into me. Because from everywhere around me I hear to take it slow. I hear I move too fast. I hear I fall too hard. I want not to let that all down but all I want to be... is wrapped up in him.

The rest of my day is full of longing. The way he fills me, in every way. I want nothing else. All I can think about is him... the thought of not seeing him tonight... the fact the he works just across the road. I want to go to him. I want to touch him and be touched by him. Fuck distance - how did I live the last 26 years of my life without him?

I don't want to tell anyone else because I don't want to hear the criticism and judgements. I just want him. I just want to enjoy him. Forget reality. I lose all sight of safety, because to me... he is the only safety I need. I know this is dangerous, I fear I will resent myself for it later. But right now I am blind.

Why do I choose this blindness? If I didn't take on this blind faith I wouldn't get hurt so much... but I also wouldn't love so completely and feel so full. I fear these words sound like those I wrote about ex two years ago. I don't want to be naive, again. But the only way not to be, is not a way I am willing to sacrifice.

I don't know if I can be intertwined enough with him. Because the more I have, the more I want. The deeper I feel him, the more I press onto him. I don't know that I could ever touch or be touched by him enough to feel like it is too much. Fuck... I want him deeper, harder, and more than ever!!

Stretched

I was feeling reasonably confident in my ability to stand strong. I guess I have faltered in my confidence.

It has been a few months since I ended things with my ex. But I never cut him off 100%. I didn't even want to. It was safe. Yeah, he was an ass at times, but I knew he was clean and he knows my body just as I know his. So we were periodically sleeping together. I know this isn't optimal, but it seemed to be working out well enough.

Now, I've started seeing someone new, a friend... a desireable friend. Someone who feels so safe, so comfortable. I'm afraid to pour myself in all the way, but I'm quite certain I will anyways. This is how I felt with my ex in the beginning. When we first met, he dazzled me. Who is to say it is not going to be more of the same? What if it is just another too-good-to-be-true scenario?

I want to take my time, I want to feel safe, and I want to trust men, him. Suddenly my mind is stretched to all limits. I'm not interested in stringing along two men. So I need to figure out how to let my ex go, completely.

I want to be his friend. I want to laugh with him. ... I think. Or do I just want an excuse to not let go because it is too scary? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I thought it all made sense. I thought I was ready to let go. ... no, I just wanted to be ready to let go. My feelings are all so far away I have to stretch to reach them, to understand them. I'm barely understanding them or me.

Now, I feel adamant I need to let go. I need to tell him the sexual escapades are over. I'm fine with seeing him if he can respect my boundaries. But what is the pleasure in that? I feel like everything I say is an excuse, some cross between my theoretical reality and desired reality. I'm stretched so thin emotionally I can't even figure out what is true.


My new guy - we'll call him Doc - he feels amazing. Amazing in more ways than I could have ever imagined. When we began I just thought it was plutonic. But the more time I've spent with him the more I've found myself desiring him. Now I'm to the point where I don't like being without him.

What if he begins to see me the way ex did? What if he realizes I'm not nearly as spectacular as he seems to believe? I'd become completely replacable... as I am to ex now. Or, at least I was last week... because now ex is asking for more of my time. Suddenly ex wants to pretend to be interested. I'm being pulled in directions and ways I do not understand... internally and externally.

I just want this to be easy. I just want to feel responsible for my own emotions. I want to feel strong and knowledgable that making my choice is based upon cognitive comprehension, not heart-drawn appeals. Does it ever get that easy for anyone? Can others just turn pieces of themselves off and just listen to the smart parts?

Maybe I'm asking too much of myself. Or maybe I'm not asking nearly enough. Both of these men deserve honesty, love, and respect. I'm comfortable enough with myself now and I know myself well enough now, to know that I won't be anything less than respectful to either of them. But fuck, really? Does everything always have to feel so twisted, stretched, and confusing?