Looking Back Toward Tomorrow

I look back through old posts.  I hear back to old conversations.  I think back to old feelings.  Its all so similar.  I'm stuck, but I have no one to blame but myself.

I hate what I read, hear, think and see each day anew.  I don't want to be here. But I don't want to be anywhere...

The depression is thick today... yesterday... this week. It's like I'm searching for an answer, to what I don't know.  And my search is endless, relentless.

I want there to be a him. I want it to feel whole. I want someone who wants to be there to remind me when these days come.  And yet, this very thought feels naive and stupid.  We are fooled by fairy tales, movies, hallmark.  Believing everyone finds a happily ever after feels like one of the most self-defeating thoughts I could ever have.

But my world isn't only about a him.  It's about a career I enjoy. It's about an at ease state of mind.  It's about a  consciousness.  It's about a belief in positive self-worth.   I want these things to feel attainable.  Right now, none of them do.

It's crushing me, swallowing me, suffocating me past a point I can stand.

I see no future, no hope, no serenity...

I see my faults , and they're not getting any better.  My bosses love to point them out. Despite all of the good I can and will do, we focus unrelenting on my lack of motivation and initiative. I walk in wanting better of and for myself... but somewhere I drop the ball and never deliver without deadline or demand. I lose myself in anything that will take me. But I still do not feel whole.

The relationship is so played. Over and over the same verse. I make myself sick. I want to force myself to be different. But I'm not. I ask for more, I demand more... it is not delivered.  And again I feel at fault... because I believed, because I trusted, because I wanted it to be true.  Instead it just hurts.

One would hope that the hurt would hurt a little less each time.   But it doesn't. Because each time I am more let down than the last, not only with him but with myself for believing all over again.

So despite reading back, on what should be my past and hoping for change; I fear I'm more-or-less reading forward, just as much, into my future... and the depression thickens.

I Wish I Knew

I feel like I don't know anything anymore. I thought I knew what I was doing. I was so sure... so resolved. But now, I have no idea what is right. I don't know what I want or how I plan to get there. I'm so lost. I've loved him since the day I met him. The kindest, sweetest, most loving and compassionate man. Then the whole world turned on its axis and not only was he no longer that man... he had become mean in many instances and more often than not incapable of compassion. But how do I change what I see when I look at him? He was so beautiful and I find myself incapable of seeing anything else. I still find him so sexy. I still warm at his touch... when he dares to reach for me. He smile melts me. The good I see in him is unscathed. And each time I close my eyes these two separate souls are still coming from the same body. He thinks I hate him. All this ache I feel us not born of hate, it is born of love. I wish to have him whole, happy, open, loving, and compassionate as my soul mate. It all hurts. I don't know that I want to breathe without him. Maybe I am weak... beyond weak. But I don't want to let him go. God I love him so much. I wish I could love him enough to get him to stay open with me. I wish I could love him enough that he'd stop lashing out with hurtful words breaking those that love him most in an easy breath of arrogance. I wish I knew. I wish I had the dedication and resolve enough to love him despite everything. But when the emptiness comes again... I fear I'll break. I wish... I wish I knew what to do. God, someone take away this pain and tell me what to do.

Empty

Don't speak... don't part your lips... don't bare words... don't shape the air that escapes.  Do not move your fingers... hit the keys... slide across the board... or share your thoughts as they flow.  Nothing I could say or share would ease this uneasiness.

Each time I start to look through my contacts... someone to talk to, someone to reach out to, someone to share with I feel myself recoil.  There is nothing to say.  There is nothing I could say that wouldn't sound completely assinign, absurd, meaningless, pety, dumb, and pathetic.  So I don't. 

I have built up this wall of friends and family... an aresinal of people who care, who listen, who want to support me.  But I can't stop or shake this feeling that everything I could possibly say is irritating and useless. 

I don't want to talk to anyone.  I'm in hiding.  I'm shut down.  I feel lost.  And even in my loss I don't want to question because I hear myself in my head... and I don't want to hear either.  I feel so empty and so full all at once. 

When I should probably be reaching out most, I find myself hiding from the hands that reach for me.  I don't know what to do or how to fix... anything.  But everything feels wrong... everything about me and around me. I want to run. 

I've felt this way for a couple weeks now.  I don't know whether there is an end.  I just feel empty...