Looking Back Toward Tomorrow

I look back through old posts.  I hear back to old conversations.  I think back to old feelings.  Its all so similar.  I'm stuck, but I have no one to blame but myself.

I hate what I read, hear, think and see each day anew.  I don't want to be here. But I don't want to be anywhere...

The depression is thick today... yesterday... this week. It's like I'm searching for an answer, to what I don't know.  And my search is endless, relentless.

I want there to be a him. I want it to feel whole. I want someone who wants to be there to remind me when these days come.  And yet, this very thought feels naive and stupid.  We are fooled by fairy tales, movies, hallmark.  Believing everyone finds a happily ever after feels like one of the most self-defeating thoughts I could ever have.

But my world isn't only about a him.  It's about a career I enjoy. It's about an at ease state of mind.  It's about a  consciousness.  It's about a belief in positive self-worth.   I want these things to feel attainable.  Right now, none of them do.

It's crushing me, swallowing me, suffocating me past a point I can stand.

I see no future, no hope, no serenity...

I see my faults , and they're not getting any better.  My bosses love to point them out. Despite all of the good I can and will do, we focus unrelenting on my lack of motivation and initiative. I walk in wanting better of and for myself... but somewhere I drop the ball and never deliver without deadline or demand. I lose myself in anything that will take me. But I still do not feel whole.

The relationship is so played. Over and over the same verse. I make myself sick. I want to force myself to be different. But I'm not. I ask for more, I demand more... it is not delivered.  And again I feel at fault... because I believed, because I trusted, because I wanted it to be true.  Instead it just hurts.

One would hope that the hurt would hurt a little less each time.   But it doesn't. Because each time I am more let down than the last, not only with him but with myself for believing all over again.

So despite reading back, on what should be my past and hoping for change; I fear I'm more-or-less reading forward, just as much, into my future... and the depression thickens.