A: I don't really know. I guess I normally do whatever he wants to do.
B: I want to give you the best, so tell me what YOU want.
A: I guess dinner... followed by a walk by the lake, the chance to talk, get more comfortable with eachother... maybe head back to my place for a movie and the possibility of distraction.
B: I love it. All of it, sounds perfect for Saturday.
A: Really?
B: Yeah, except the dinner.
My heart sinks. It's all too common. Why do they ask? Why do I bother to answer? It is the same bullshit scenerio.
A: Oh... why is that?
B: My roommate's family is in town so I have plans for dinner.
I understand this. It is perfectly legit. It has nothing to do with me, it is not personal. So... I accept. We talk non-stop for the next three days leading up to our meeting. Not the... 'what is your favorite position' talks... more the 'what was your favorite subject in school' talks. It was comfortable and smooth.
But as the night draws closer on Saturday... I begin to feel it. I feel its going to be one of those. One of those 'one-night' events. I don't want that. Not one little bit am I interested in a one-night stand right now! I message him an hour before we are supposed to meet.
A: I don't think I can do this.
B: What?
A: I'm not up for a one-night stand right now.
B: I never meant for it to be that. I want to see you again when I get back from deployement.
A: You do?
B: And I want to talk to you while I'm there.
A: Really?
B: Yes. Are we still on?
A: Yeah... ok. But I don't want to have sex.
B: Ok
I let him in the door and we stand and talk in my kitchen. He's sweet, just like on the phone. Our bodies get closer... and then within a minute we're kissing. My back is slammed against the fridge... his hands are up my shirt and our tongues are dancing. Magnets fall and scatter across the floor. He reaches into my shirt and peels my bra from my flesh and we spin across the kitchen. My back is slammed against the cupboard and he's reaching behind me clammering to clear a path on the countertop. He grabs me and he lifts me up onto the counter. It's intense and note-worthy. My fingers running through his short Army-boy hair as I nibble up his neck and ear. He fumbles with my jeans, my shirt, and the height difference. In desperation, he pulls me down and pushes me into my bedroom.
This is clearly not what I had in mind. And after we were both happily fucked and laying on the couch watching a movie it hit me even harder. This will be a one-night stand. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. This is what I asked him not to have happen. But he brought a velvet sachet full of condoms and a small vibrating toy. He knew exactly what he wanted to happen. It was all perfectly planned. And went accordingly. I didn't want this to happen...
So why did it?
I pulled away from laying beside him for the remainder of the movie. I meant nothing to him. This is all just an act. The same as all the others. My time... it means nothing, my body... it means nothing, our energy... it means nothing. So, why did I let it happen?!?
That's really the sad and ugly truth... Well written I really like what you wrote here.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how things start with such good intentions. I always wonder how I let my dates get away with so much. The feeling after is the worst too. Because I'm disapointed in him, and disapointed in myself.
ReplyDeleteGod, I've been there before. Its such a hollow feeling. What an ass.
ReplyDeleteI've been there too. I hate that initial wave of nausea when it first occurs to me, and then the aftershock as you actually take a minute to consider it. I'm sorry it ended up that way- that was completely unfair on his part, especially considering you were very clear about what you didn't want to happen. What a dick.
ReplyDeleteThis post brought me back to the past. Sex to men means nothing. I wish we didn't get so emotionally attached, especially when we have "Sex". We are passionate women. Sex means something to us. ARGG!! MEN! I've tried having sex, no strings attached, putting my guard up. "if men can do it, so can I". Well, it didn't happen that way. I felt used, empty. I did it because I felt alone.
ReplyDeleteI was completely unfair of him! Him knowing in the first place that you didn't want that to happen. Don't blame yourself sweetie. Sometimes we think we could be like them.....but the truth is, we are so opposite in that aspect.
Great description! I'm like your writing.
Uggggggggh, that classic, "Oh shit" moment.
ReplyDeleteWhy did it is because some teeny, tiny piece of you, the part unattached to reason an logic, wanted a release and went for it. If you really, really, truly and with all of your being didn't want it, you would have cancelled the date and not let a text message convince you otherwise.
There is NOTHING wrong with that. You're 24. You're not supposed to be able to keep that piece of you in check...yet.
Be gentle with yourself. There are enough people out there who will brutalize you without YOU adding to the list. Scratch this off the list as youthful indiscretion, an experience you learn from...one with the added bonus of orgasm at the end. And then let it all slip down your back like water, moving on to the next thing.
give him the benefit of the doubt... maybe this won't be another "one-night".
ReplyDeleteconsider this one of those unexpected moments, maybe you didnt actually want it but maybe something in you too is expecting this to happen. have u given him any hint?
polly is right, move on. and good luck.
p.s.
i miss chatting with you via 20sb...
base on all the comments above i will not say what i had planned to say.
ReplyDeleteBut look at it this way,if you know when like a guy and is very sexual don't put yourself in the situation where its even passable to happen eg his house, your house, or the car.
No one does anything that they do not want to do. Every Act is the Manifestation of our Desires.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason, beyond your conscious perception, you like to feel this way.
Find out why that is and perhaps you will be able to begin to take true Responsibility for the Life you are Creating for yourself.
All Love,
~~ G
I definitely have a lot of work to do still. I spoke with my therapist about this horribly, crappy set of events. We will be going further into detail with how the different parts of me interact. Clearly my sexual (manifestation) is very strong. Somewhere I need to learn to build it some boundaries. Better, bigger, stronger boundaries. :)
ReplyDeleteBut at least I recognize the need for growth, I can't expect to get better if I don't know I need fixing! Thanks everyone for the input!!
this actually makes me sick. and sad. we (guys) are pitiful ... i dont understand why "we" cant at least be honest. i mean, there are plenty of girls willing to do the one night thing. i dont know why "we" seem to find the ones that dont want it, and trick them into doing it. it makes me sick. i have no idea who you are and probably will never meet you, and may seem like a total weirdo. but reading this just made got to me (which means is was well written)... but i just want to say im sorry on the behalf of all men. i dont know what you are looking for, but im sure you will find it some day. probably when you are not even looking. good luck.
ReplyDeleteI felt like I was there in the kitchen with you like an interested voyeur fly on the wall. So good were your descriptions and writing style.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff. Well the way you told the story, not what happened. I have no problem against one-night stands and it seems neither do you. But you CLEARLY said that's what you weren't looking for.
I apologize for us "penis bearers" since this one heard your message, got your intentions and still acted out on his.
Keep writing...I'll read...