If You Love Her Set Her Free?

Tonight… I miss everything about her.

I miss the softness of her buttery smooth skin. I miss the smell of her perfume entering a room just before her and demanding full attention of my senses. I miss the soft crisp texture of her recently tousled hair. I miss her sweet face and glowing smile. I miss the warmth of her touch. I miss the confidence she has even if it is misguided. I miss her lips on mine and the way they fit so perfectly together. I miss nibbling her bottom lip and hearing her groan. I miss the curve of her breasts. I miss the deliciousness in every inch of her. I miss her shyness. I miss the tattoo that wraps around her beautiful foot. I miss her sweet voice penetrating my thoughts. I miss her surprises. I miss her watching me. I miss her laugh. I miss her love.

I miss her.

They say your first love hurts the deepest. I want to find a new her... But all I’d ever do is compare them to her. I fear it would be a waste.

No one could touch me like her. No one could put me at ease like her. No one could taste like her. No one could ever be as clean as her. No one could purr like her. No one could love me like her.

All of this because I heard a song… She is that song. … Because there ain’t ‘nothing about you [her]’ that don’t do something for me.

God, how I miss her.

I hope she finds her peace. I hope she finds her happiness. I hope she feels complete. I hope she loves her life. I hope she feels loved. I hope they take care of her. I hope they spoil her right back. I hope she learns to let them in. I hope she lets go of all the past and focuses on her now. I hope the world for her. I hope no one hurts her.

I’m not her girl anymore. Someone else will be her girl. I am a fading memory now.

It hurts.

But nothing was ever on our side, and she deserves to be happy. She loves so completely. She deserves to feel that in return – forever and always. I just wish the ache would stop. But I think a little part of my heart is dying without her. I will be strong for her. I will let her have peace from me.

I will always remember her.

I will always love her.

What is Friendship Anymore?

At any given moment in my life, I can stop and reflect on who my friends are. I surround myself with these people with whom I share time, love, respect, and mutual likenesses. I treat them, care for them, and protect them... as if they are my world.

Recently this part of my world seems to be changing… draining. The people I held most dear have recently turned into nothing more than a mirage. I trusted and put myself into their lives. Giving them any heart and understanding that I could give, with a passion for their lives similar to the passion they had for their own… sometimes more.

Maybe I’m naive but I love with all of me. And my friends have my love… seemingly now and always. But the people I was giving myself over to… don’t seem to have that same passion or love for me.

A woman I allowed into my life as a best friend, an ex to my now ex, turned my love upside down. I worked with her to help her. I had patience for her and the complexity of her life and the mean people around her. I took her son in at a time when I could have turned against them… given my life, given my history. I could have been a doubtful person. Instead I opened my arms. I owned her pain as my own. I was a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a body to stand strong against the storm winds with, I was a friend and a companion in dark days. Not without my moments of temperament, not perfect… because I never will be… but I was good to her.

Any sane woman would have balked at the idea of her man’s ex moving into his apartment. I didn’t. Instead I embraced with love and compassion

But when her emotions and temperaments got too much I spoke up against the behavior… not even against the woman, just the behavior… because she was, after all, my friend and I loved her.

For this… I was discarded… answered with threats of her poor situation. I was told it wasn’t my place to speak; it wasn’t my right nor my home. My insides ripped open and in pain I lashed out. Lashed at him, lashed at her, lashed out at myself.

He took her side.

How could he take her side? He agreed about her behavior. But he still took her side. Not my place. Not my right. My voice feels stolen again. And the rip in my heart goes deeper… and the blood is everywhere.

Everything inside of me feels out of place. Everything in my life feels upside down.

I gave all of myself because that is who I am. Now, I don’t know how to continue. Now, I don’t know where to continue. I don’t want to be selfish, I want to be selfless. And now, all I feel is emptiness.

Then came Toni… and I've embraced her with all that I have.

Worn Panties?

Attempting to re-enter the dating scene I find myself ungodly bored with all of it.  Sick of viewing pictures of the same stuck up, pretentious men.  Sick of reading the same bullshit lines about wanting a girl who ‘takes care of herself’.  Seriously, why don’t they just say ‘I’m looking for a fucking twig, no one else need apply’.  I’m sickened by the amount of men who stick to this gross idea of beauty.  But it is what it is, and frankly I don’t want a prick that thinks anything less than curvy is gorgeous!

I used to spend hours at the gym every night.  And do you know what I had time for with that lifestyle?  No one!  My life revolved around keeping those two hours set aside for the gym every night.  It’s fun.  But honestly when I live my life with a partner, I want my life to be about myself and my partner together. 

My ex and I used to go to the gym together.  And he’d watch t.v. and laugh.  Hang with his pals and show off.  Really, it was not any bit considered quality time. If anything it made me miss him more because our time was more spent apart in site of each other than together.

So, to all those assholes who feel the need to emphasize a girl’s ability to ‘take care of herself’ on their profile… all they are truly looking for is a girl with a high metabolism.  And all I can think is ‘good fucking luck’ because in the good ole’ U. S. of A. girls with hips are more in abundance.

To add to my boredom on the dating scene I recently ran into the sexiest situation I’ve endured in YEARS!!  Yes, my friends, years!  I posted some panties and a matching bra to sell online.  This stuff was new with tags and had zero sexuality added to the sales pitch.  I just wanted to make a few bucks off of something I will never wear.  Simply.

But I received a message back from someone asking what else I might have available.  I mentioned the numerous other pairs of panties I have, with tags.  They pushed further saying clearly I had some style and the natural curves to fill the panties I was selling, but wondered what used items I had.  Finding this rather curious, I acknowledged and offered some of the soon-to-be-tossed panties I have in the back of my drawer. 

He then admitted his gender… admitted his interest in these newly mentioned items… and the desire not only to purchase them but to have them freshly worn upon purchase.  I was totally skeeved out!  But given my current financial situation I bit the bullet and decided to play along. 

He mentioned a lap dance, getting closer, watching me remove these panties, etc.  Okay, ya’ll know I’m not a damn church choir girl here.  I’ve been naughty.  This shit is just about right up my alley, but I don’t know this dick from Adam.  I don’t know how old he is… what he REALLY wants to do to me… how far he is willing to go, etc. 

My mom points out the obvious… that this is a cop and I’m setting my ass up to get placed in jail.  Dually noted, but seriously, I was just trying to sell a brand new pair of unworn panties, I didn’t ask for any of this shit!! And I’d happily cry entrapment should it come down to it. 

We chat playfully back and forth.  As much as I’m becoming turned on by this entire idea, I’m also confused by his disinterest in texting me.  I’m thinking he has got to be married.  Fair enough, I think, as long as he doesn’t touch me… I can live with myself.  I avoid his every attempt to get closer or see a little more from me.  Following some due diligence.  I set up a safe exchange location.  I tell a coworker where I will be.  I even gave her his phone number should I disappear mid-exchange. I was ready for almost anything.  Except… that!!!

He was fucking gorgeous!  He met me with a glowing smile.  If I wasn’t already in heat from knowing what was going down his eyes added to it.  He was sweet as hell… kind, careful, and sexy.  It was a delicious encounter.  I had already set all the ground rules… he couldn’t touch me, and we absolutely would not be somewhere alone.   I’d all but screwed myself out of this charming encounter.  Damn me!!!

And just as satisfying were his thoughts of me.  How beautiful, smart, sexy, and fun.  Argh.  Damn intelligence, due diligence, and safety!!!  I wanted him, instantly!

We texted… all… day!  He had me… all that he wanted me, he could have me.  But suddenly he was smarter… he knew better and he wasn’t giving in.  He knew I’d fall like a sinker for him.  So I keep wondering… why can’t hot, curve-loving men like this one be on the damn dating sites?  Why do all these sexy 30 year old men think they are too damaged? Fuck that baby, I know damage and it is not anywhere near him. 

Suddenly the standard dating site is ten times more boring.  Blah!!!  Booooo-rrrr-iiinng asshole... they all are compared to Mr. Wants-My-Panties.  And since then he has been stuck in my head.  I just keep wishing I hadn’t been so safe.  I’m also looking further into this worn-panty selling business.  I joined a site.  We shall see how this goes.  Anyone have any advice, on either front?