Know The Difference

At the moment... I need to remind myself to let go. I need to remind myself I cannot control everything. I need to remember I can't fix it all at once but only take a step at a time. I feel like everything around me is a mess. I start to feel an ounce of control and happiness for living and something walks by the blackboard and all the chalk is reduced to incoherent smears and smudges of dust.

I thought I found the car I could buy. It drove so smooth. It was hot. It was clean. But turns out the $300 dollars worth of work it needed was really $1200. I sure as fuck cannot afford that. I'm running out of time as my once loving, understanding husband has turned into a snarling asshole of heat and anger. He wants "his" van. Ya know... the one we got when he wrecked my Taurus. The one we used the Geico check to fix. Fuck it, let him have the minivan piece of shit. I don't want it anyways!!

And to top things off - I'm insanely jealous. You'd think I'd learn, but I never seem to. How can I say, 'you aren't the right one for me'... and in the same breath say, 'but no one else can have you'? What type of bullshit have I trained myself to believe? I want every bit of attention and admiration I can get from him... and to give some in return, but I'm unwilling to give my heart. It seems absolutely inconceivable to me that a grown adult woman that knows how love and life works should still be having such silly thoughts. I miss him... but still I push away in fear that being too close I'll see the happiness that I am not apart of. How can I be so possessive? I hate myself for it. I consider jealousy - at least within myself - unforgivable.

So here's my thought at the moment... it's all I have. I always loved hearing this. I think maybe The Serenity Prayer should be my life motto.

"God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference. "

I'm not religious... but right now I need that strength. God's strength, whosever it is. I want everything to be at peace... I want to float away on that thought. Can I please get some serenity?

Hot In Here... Or Just Me?

For the last couple weeks... I have been fighting the urges that had once felt so primal to me. I don't want to make it sound like I'm all the shit, cause God knows there are too many out there that already believe that they are, but I have a waiting list. Or at least figuratively. It's not like I make them take numbers or anything, they just choose to stick around, to wait, and to want. The ones I've fucked before too that beg to be back in my noisy ass bed slamming me and feeling it all once again.

I had been trying to stay sober - so to speak. I was trying to sleep with no one. Trying to be the good girl this society has raised me to be. I just happen to let it all out occasionally and fuck like crazy. But not now. For now I'll wear the mini-skirt and just tease the living-shit out of him!

But honestly, I am feeling so damned weak!! I try to meet them a few times first, mostly. I try to follow the rules. I try not to kiss too much, if at all... cause baby, once the river starts flowing... I can't make it stop! I try to stay out of my apartment, because once the fever begins I do not know how to cool it down and we are headed for the back room!


What happens when I get this insatiable lust and I have no (special) one to quench it? ... well. LOL... there are toys, but it is just not the same. All those men that see the Big Pink vibrator come out of the drawer and their eyes grow as fast as their tents are pitched - they think that means they must not be good enough. They are dead fucking wrong! Big Pink does not have those sexy, manly hands to run up my thighs and over my hips.

So, I can fall down and take care of it on my own... but I'd really prefer not to. If I were with a guy I'd totally do it for him. But I'm not with one. I'm all alone and this heat is killing me. It is a totally raw desire. Everything inside of me seems to be speaking the same language and screaming it! My entire body is overwhelmed and somehow under-touched. Can't fucking imagine how that is possible... but my body sure is preaching it.

Unwilling to step to the back with Big Pink on my own, filled with lust and a ravenous craving to fuck the shit out of some guy, to feel that incredible friction. Do I just pick a number? Do I throw it all to the wind? Forget these fabulous morals I've been trying to train myself to endure? Most of all, where the fuck did this heat come from and when will it pass??? Dear God... I need an ice storm!

Make A Wish...

Last night was the best night for one of the biggest meteor showers of the year. I have to admit I don't honestly believe I've seen a shooting star before. I always look up longingly waiting for something to fly across the sky. I look like a little girl with such innocence looking up this macrocosm. It's incredible. It's untouchable. It's infinite. ... and I am in awe.

I remember when I was little always looking at the sky. I would lay in the grass and feel the blades run through my tiny fingers and look at the stars and try to make out constellations. The Big Dipper pointing me to the North Star was always my favorite. Or in the daytime I'd lay on a beach towel or lawn chair and watch the clouds roll by and try to invision them as shapes. Time always seems to be in abundance when you are a kid. You never know it. You never really have the intelligence or the mentality to stop and see what a huge thing you are a part of. You spend your time looking forward to your next birthday and age mile-marker.

So here I am... twenty-four years old... staring out into the Milky Way waiting to see the stars dance across the sky. I leaned backward over my balcony railing arching myself just to see around my roof. I felt like a little kid, standing beside my new best friend - my roommate. We were both eager to see. We were both there arched over the railing peering up into the clear night sky. I felt myself asking question after question much the way a six year old does when they go someplace new and completely foreign to them. What does it look like? How often does it happen? What causes it? Where should I look? Can I see it from the city like this? It was a rapid fire... and she was taking my hits like a pro.

And there it was!! One sharp bright streak blinked so fast in front of my eyes I hardly even knew I saw it and it was gone. I squealed with delight! ... and she got just as excited for my first sight at a shooting star. We stood there longer daydreaming about standing there with guys. Here we are two grown women seeing something so incredible and fulfilling and we still want someone else to share it with. What must that say about me?

... I wish to be laying out in the grass with my head resting on his arm, the smell of him drugging me into sweet intoxication, caressing his skin, feeling the tingles from his fingers stroking my hair, and the goosebumps I get from the cool night air mixing with the warmth of our bodies.

In essence... I am a girl. Wether I am big and grown or little and impressionable. I want to be filled with love and life. I want to giggle and be happy. My wish is that all of my dreams come true... is that too much to ask?