I See... Shit?

You hear these abstract stories about the pretty girl having it easier.  People like her more so she has it easier in life.  I thought this was a fat girl's line.  I thought that was bullshit.  But hey... listen to this fat girl.

Suddenly I'm working beside a runway model (some clear exaggeration should be inferred here) and that line is finding some truth in my eyes.  Suddenly I'm the backseat driver. 

... I'll take care of the paperwork while she works the front lines.  I'll make the coffee so she can hand it out.  I'll crawl under the machine so she can shine from above.

I'm getting sick.  Not that I don't have my own insecurity bullshit to deal with.  But I'm tripping over myself.  I bust my ass for nearly four years... she walks in and in under one year she has them all tickled.  She says... you don't want to look like me, I'm just there to look at. 

Fuck that, I want to shine!  I want to be the prize!  I want the long tan legs that make men stupid and weak.  But the grossest thing to me is that we've submitted to using her.  Send her here, send her there, have her work that event or this one... but be sure to wear your pretty little skirt.  Gag!

I try not to talk about work, but this constant reminder is helping me to break down on a daily basis.  I try not to see all the differences in treatment... but they are screaming in my god damned face!

I'm envious, green, jealous, and I'm making myself sick with it.  If only I felt sick enough to stick a finger down my throat maybe this game of bullshit could be over with.

But maybe it won't ever be... not because I'm fat, short, pale as a ghost, with curls of chaos... but because I'm opinionated, bitchy, passionate, controlling, and overly honest.  I call it like I see it, and as she loves to remind me, you can't do that... we have to treat them like children.  With kids gloves gently caressing their sensibilities. 

I'm too busy stroking my own insecurities.  And this one has me questioning if I want to stay here much longer... because daily I look in the mirror... and I see shit.  Unhappy, unhealthy, negative, gray matter in oblivion.  If I were them... I'd pick her too.

What Makes Me Happy???

Ok... so everyone keeps telling me over and over how I need to be happy with me. I need to find happiness with myself. I need to love me before I can love anyone else.


Holy fuck... does anyone actually know how to do any of this? I want to be happy. I truly believe that's what we were put on this planet to do. Find our happiness, figure out what makes us smile more than anything else and do it as much as physically possible. I love to smile. I love the things that totally fill me with joy when they happen... now if I could only figure out what they are.


So, here is my attempt at that list. I need to try to be as selfish as humanly possible because one of my largest problems is I'm always doing for others. I don't clean because it feels good in my space when I do... I do it because someone is coming over or to protect someone's image of me. I'm always doing what I think someone else will want of me.


One of my biggest challenges along with being selfish, will be to think about things I can do when I'm alone. I am on my own now. Men can come and go, but the only person I can really count on is me, so that's what I need to do. I do, however, have social anxiety-disorder. This makes me hate being alone. I feel lost, lonely, judged, and paniced being alone. I have been on medication for it in the past, but right now I'm in a place in my life where I feel the best thing I can do for me... is to be me. Even my flaws need to be a reality right now.


Another part of this list is going to be why something makes me happy, because lets face it... not everything that makes us happy is good for us. Being drunk can be exhilerating but if I'm doing it so that I don't feel, it might not be a healthy or wise choice.


So, here is my list:

1. Being near water - I love watching the water shimmer and dance in the sun, the smell when it is fresh and clean, and I like feeling the air blowing and making my hair dance.


2. Dancing - I love the music, the excercise, the ambiance, learning something new, watching others, and the attention I get.


3. Painting - I love the finished product, knowing that I made something beautiful that I am proud of, having something to put on my walls, the feel of the paint gliding on the blank canvas, and washing off the smudges I seem to get all over me that feel like war paint.


4. Drawing Abstracts - I love coming up with a good idea for an abstract, figuring out the color pattern, using the ruler and compass to make it perfect, flipping through my book and knowing I did damn good work, and when others look at my book and tell me how nice they are.


5. French Tips - I love getting my nails done because they make me feel sexy and elegant even when I am wearing jeans, I love that I can bare my toes and have the sexiest little feet.


6. Tanning - I love laying in the sun... feeling the warmth pour into me, how soft my skin is after, how good I feel in my clothes, how blonde my hair gets, and feeling sexy in my own skin.


7. Photography - I love taking pictures of almost anything, the capturing of the beautiful stillness of a flower or fruit, love standing back and admiring my work, love that when I take pictures of me all I hear is how beautiful I am, knowing my ability to manipulate a photo into something more or something less, and knowing I choose who sees.


8. Running - I hate getting up the energy to go but once I've done it I feel like I've conquered the world, seeing the awesome results I get, hearing the compliments, and feeling the muscles in my legs ache tomorrow (honestly, this is so important because it reminds me I did good!).


9. Getting Fit - I have lost about 35lbs so far and I am so proud of myself for it because I have worked my ass off, knowing I can achieve something if I want it badly enough, hearing someone tell me they are proud of me, and running my hands down my sides and loving that curve.


10. Being Wanted - This is a happiness I get from others and thus is not the best, but it is very big for me. I like knowing someone is thinking about me, the idea that someone is getting pleasure from who I am or what I can give. I invest too much time and effort into this.


11. Cooking Experiments - I love making something new that sounds incredible, using all the different tools I have in my kitchen, hearing the compliments after it comes out well, and tasting that I did a good job.


12. Cats - I love watching my boys run back and forth through the apartment, I call this 'rip-assing'. I love when they forget to brake in time, love hearing their feet pound the floors, seeing their tails bounce, and seeing their ears pointed back.


13. Farms - I love seeing all the animals on a farm, learning about the equipment, feeling the dirt in between my fingers, listening to all the sounds that come from it, feeding all the animals and getting sticky, slobbered on fingers, the peaceful setting, the stability of something that has been around a long long time and won't be going anywhere fast, and some of the smells... call me crazy, but it's natural.


14. Views - I love being really high up and seeing the view. Be it a plane, a mountain top, a para-sail... I like seeing all the earth that is around me and how tiny things become.


15. Jet-Skiing - OMG... I love this! I love the feel of the water, the speed, the vibrations from the motor, the chance at seeing marine life, the wind blowing my hair, and the fear that I'm going to tip over.


16. Music - I love the kind that fills you up and gives you a catharsis, the emotions you feel being let out in words, the way my hips feel compelled, and the beat that I can't help but move to.


17. Orgasms - I couldn't leave this out, because honestly, how could I claim to be as I am if this weren't something that thrilled me. I love the anticipation, the friction, the heat, the way it is sooooo hard for me to stay quiet... dare I say 'impossible', nearing climax and feeling like I'm about to do this amazing thing, feeling my entire body release everything, how completely drenched I get, catching my breath when I cum so hard it takes five minutes, knowing I just made someone's day, and starting it all over again.

Ok... so that's my list for now. I may add as I think of more. But hopefully this will give me some ideas on what I should be doing besides obsessing about boys and the dating world.