Crushed

I feel lost. I know this isn’t a new feeling... but it is where I am.

I feel stuck in an in-between. I’m trying to let go of something… and trying to grab a hold of something. I’m trying to learn new things... while still impressing upon the old. I’m trying to be happy... and embrace new power and temptations without submerging in the moment.

All of me is struggling. Little me, big me, old me, and new me. I want to be better. And yet, I look up sometimes and I see all the weaknesses I always had. I see all the struggles I thought I’d overcome. I want to be strong enough to walk away. Not just walk away because I need to, but to walk away because I fucking can... and that knowledge is my power.

It’s like I just flung my body into the deepest water I could find. And maybe... I'm drowning.

At twenty-seven... I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever be the person I want to be. Happy, successful, in love, with a family, and confidence… real confidence... for once in my life. Not this bullshit I spew to make them believe or potentially even fool myself into believing. But for once, whole, sincere knowledge of my value.

My insides feel crushed today, paralyzed by emotions I just don’t want. I never know when it is safe to trust myself... let alone all the others.

I open so completely... I open myself to the pain. When will I learn. Learn to stop letting myself be hurt and choked by my own saliva. Crushed by my own desire for more.

Like everytime I cross the road and I envision myself being struck by a car. I know what it really is, I know it is my own dangerous thoughts... and I allow myself to cross. It's just my imagination. It's all in my poisonous fucking head. All this fear. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I'm sick of holding back. I'm sick of being the person with logic.

What if I let go? Fuck... what kind of bullshit am I trying to spin? I could never fucking let go!! Wrapped up tighter than a balloon string... I could never be free like that. Instead... I just hurt. Instead... I am crushed.