Lost and Not Found

I woke up but I’m not sure why. Like normal I’m floating in a fucking chasm on a seemingly endless journey to nowhere. I want an end point to work towards. I want a past to savor. And I want a present that makes each day worth waking for.

I guess I should start by telling you I just read all of the Shades of Gray trilogy, within a week. I really loved it. I loved that in my imagination she could be plain-Jane as opposed to what we will see as soon as she is casted for the to-be movie. I was in love with all of it. At first I was nervous for her, Ana, but quite quickly I just became engrossed in all of it.

Here I am, post-shades and I’m lost. I miss the characters. I’m desperate to know how they are. I’m desperate to enjoy their lives and see that it all works out.

I’m desperate to be alive like that. Is reality like that? Do men that hold your hand, watch you breathe while you sleep, protect, and cherish you really exist? Someone so selfless and so in love that they would give up their heart just to have yours back in return?

This isn’t just about finding the right love, because god knows and I know that I don’t have him. This is about being alive and belonging. Fitting within yourself, your home, your work, your body… everywhere you go. Belonging to something, feeling a part of something.

I feel so lost. I guess I’m almost to the point where I don’t even think I’ll be found. Is that why I can’t push him away?

I just want to be found.