Starving

I don’t know where I am. I feel like I am drowning. And worse yet, I know I am and I can’t do anything to stop it. I flail, scream, kick, and cry… and still I sink deeper. I fight to be stronger… and the new muscle weighs me down even more.

I feel so alone. Surrounded by actions, by people, and by words… but I am still alone. I try to grab his hand and continually fall flat. His hands are slippery, busy, and unattainable. Maybe he does not want to be attained and more often he does not want to offer a hand. I want his love so much, I dare to open my mouth and scream… even though it puts me at greater risk for swallowing more water, drowning.

I met a man that was strong, smart, honest, loyal, loving, devoted, giving, secure, and compassionate… just as compassionate as I am. Speaking of … “do unto others…” He no longer does. It is now a reflection all about ‘me’. “I have to be me”… “I have feelings too”... I want him to feel, I want him to be happy. But how can I make this happen when he will no longer let me in?

I feel like, for once, I opened my eyes and I saw the most beautiful sunset the world could ever create. The symmetry, the colors, the brightness, the waves crashing into it… it had me melting. But I opened my eyes just in time to see a blink of it and in that moment I lost my eye-sight. Now I see nothing. Now I am alone. All I have is the remnants of the sun’s original warmth and the passing essence of light. I’ve lost the very thing I would have waited an eternity to see.

Working so hard to be me. Working so hard to be strong. Working so hard to be a better human being. I am doing so well. Each day I find new insights-I learn and adapt from them. I am pleased to be in a place in my life where I finally feel like I could get better. I finally feel like I could be stronger than the sum of my misfortunes.

But am I losing him … I feel as though I have already lost.

I cry myself to sleep night after night. I discolor my pillow in mascara-stained tears. I take a sleeping pill and pray my head will go silent. All my fears, thoughts, judgments should be hushed by its strength. I want to breathe him. I want to feel all of that love that was once there. Instead I am held at some unreal boundary … unable to step forward …and in fear of that step because the next foot may have no floor. I cry for his hand. I cry to feel that wholeness we shared in the beginning.

When he stepped away… he said I was replaceable. He said he could go on without me. He proved to all of us, including himself… that he can go on without me. He walks away with ease each time. How is one to feel loved, honored, desired in light of this?

I don’t.

The touch takes so much effort. And when I thank him for it; he says… well you were good yesterday. I feel I am being punished. I feel I am being trained and controlled. I will let him control me so long as I can have him completely. But, if I am so replaceable, what is the point?

With each fight of distance he proves how easy it is for him to walk away. How can a person ever feel safe in a relationship like this? And even more, stay strong enough to make them feel safe in it? My heart is so broken. We were so in love… in love within days… in love so completely, both of us… not just me. Now, I feel like it is just me.

He made me feel like an amazing, smart, honest, lovable, beautiful, pure goodness. Now I just feel broken, tarnished, molded and generally like trash. He kissed me, he looked at me, he saw me, he held me. With nothing else around he would just look at me and see. And love me still. He saw me and wanted me, despite me flaws, despite my imperfections. He made me feel like I would always be good enough for him.

I made a mistake in trusting him. Trusting us. Believing in us. Fighting for us.

It has been an unmentionable number of months since I really felt him. Felt him love me completely, honestly, with every ounce of himself. He wants me to see value in his every effort. There is value, tremendous value… but for how long am I supposed to say thank you when what I really need to say is … please love me.

… Months since he called me beautiful, I am supposed to be patient and wait. Meanwhile all I can see is how disgusting I am. I am ashamed of myself. Terrified that it is so hard to say because he doesn’t really believe it. Otherwise… why would it take so long? Why would it be so hard? I am starting to wonder what others would think of me. They called me beautiful and sexy over and over. I felt it. I felt like I might be. But now… I am starving to hear it.

… Months since he looked me in the eyes and said he wanted to make love to me. I hold my breath praying he will want me. I wish he would take me, take my hand, kiss me, run his hands all over my skin and cherish me. I ask. Now he just touches me because I asked, not because he actually wanted to. He does not see me and wish to take my clothes off. His erection is a whim, not actually inspired or signifying desire. Why? Again, I am disgusted with myself. I shower over and over … scraping angrily at my skin… wishing it felt more touchable. I don’t want anyone else’s hands… but I am starving.

… Months since I have caught him looking at me lovingly. I feel worthless to look at. I never believed I would think of myself as worth looking at. But they thought I was. That was all that mattered. I feel stone-cold and neglected. He says he looks, sees me, and finds himself loving. Somehow I never see this? Before I saw it all the time. I felt his eyes, the warmth of his kiss, his hands. I felt his love. Now I feel so little. The little I get, I must beg for… and I am starving for more.

Everything has a reason. Every time there is a reason why I can’t have it. There is a reason why he is not willing to give it. There is a reason why his time is no longer available. When is it enough? When do I stop hoping he will come back to loving me, honestly, fully, whole-heartedly? Do I give up? Or Do I fight harder?

What I had is worth fighting for…

We went to lunch and talked. I felt heard and loved. Every day he made time to see me, to love me, to be with me. He surprised me and treasured me unexpectedly. Then he ran out of time. I would have to be happy with internet time. We talked for hours. We always had something to say, we would not run out of words. Then he doesn’t have internet time… I must suffer with a few text messages. Sweet nothings, reminding me he is thinking of me. Lastly, there is no time for that. I am barely a part of this world. I wanted to be a part of this world. Slowly he is pushing me out. And the only explanation is that I am asking too much, unreasonably from him. All these changes… I am supposed to be okay, I am supposed to be understanding, I am supposed to love what I can have and say thank you… even when I am starving. I must ignore my tummy’s grumblings… and thank him for trying so that he might be willing to give more again, someday.

And yet every time I try… it’s never enough. It’s never enough thank yous to get the more. This perfect relationship is no longer perfect. This incredible man has seemingly lost all interest. This loving man has vanished. I have to thank the man I have left for caring enough to stay behind. I’m crying. I’m alone.

I am starving. I do not want to be hungry any more. How can I fulfill this hunger? How can I stop feeling so empty? How can I continue to say thank you just to be rewarded, even if I’m still hungry. I don’t want a treat. I want him. I want his love.

Choose...

It's hard to know what to do. I feel like the relationship that started in December is gone, gone far, possibly never coming back. I don't know what to do...

I fell madly in love with this man. I fell madly in love with our connection. I fell in love with everything about 'us'.

I fear the new 'us' does not include me...

I fear my feelings, so hard I want to numb myself to the bone with antidepressants. I am afraid to say when I have them. Fear they are not justified in his eyes... fear he will disregard or ignore them... fear he will just tell me I'm wrong. I live with this fear so often.

This fear has become similar to the abuse from my step-father. I never know when it will be safe, when it will be angered, when I will feel beaten down for simply being me.

I love him... so completely! I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. He always tells me it is not a matter of wrong or right, but somehow it always comes back to me apologizing, my backing down, my feeling as though I am constantly wrong. I question every glimmer of emotion that flutters through my veins. And when I let it out I am reserved and controlled so I keep him closer than my own feelings. This relationship that built me up so high and made me feel so full is throwing me back to the ground.

I like who he is, how he makes me laugh, all the fun we have together, the incredible sex... but I miss the emotional side of him. Our incredible connection!! He is here but he is emotionally unavailable, refusing to show a single vulnerability. It's an empty relationship, a shell of actions that simulate an emotional bond. But how can there be a bond when one person is so empty or afraid to let his feelings out?

I miss the man that cared so deeply about how I felt. I miss the man that wanted to carry every grocery bag and would slap my hand if I tried to help. The one that nearly single-handedly moved me just two short-days after meeting me. I miss the man that fought for me... to have me, to protect me, to make sure I knew I always deserved better. I miss the man that would look at me over and over as we were driving down the road just to see if I was still real. I miss the man that would smile just because I would and the man that would kiss my hand for no reason other than that he felt so much love for me, he had to let it out and wanted to show it. I miss the man that caressed my body for hours... touching and kissing and loving every inch of me until we were both in a helpless, hot, sticky puddle of lust. I miss the man that didn't want to spend time away from me, because I was too special that he'd miss me too much, so instead he'd just take me along to anything he wanted to do. I miss the man that wanted to make me feel better if I got scared or felt insecure, that would stop at nothing to ensure my happiness, as I would his. He was so perfect!! We were a perfect fit for one-another!



I fell in love with his intelligence, curiosity, passion, love, friendship, honesty, integrity, and chivalry. And now... I have a friend, a friend I love spending time with. But the emotional side of me is drowning... little by little... begging him to come back to me. Asking, when can I be forgiven so we can go back to being 'us'?

I'm lost between having this man I love so much and having the fulfilling relationship I need and want. I am begging for these two pieces to re-unite. This is the man I want! This is the man I want to share my life with!

But I can't share it this way. And I can't handle this much longer...

I know I need to make changes in my reactions and occasional over-reactions but I can't do it to the point where I forfeit myself. I have to be true to my heart. I am trying so hard to be a better me and I need him to give in and love and trust the new me, as I am!

As we were on a beautiful, wonderful vacation together, I had to find time to cry to myself, by myself. In bathrooms, in showers, and around corners. I'm living in fear of myself, my emotions, and the thought of losing him. ... And I'm breaking.

He only tells me I'm pretty through innuendos of sex. The whole trip... the only time he really showed interest in me was to bend me over and begin fucking me. It is no longer making love. I don't know what this is... it feels empty and I have to choke back tears at this loss. It's so much to lose... it's too much!

I'm breaking. How do I choose? How could I choose? I don't know how to choose... and I don't want to!! I want him and I want 'us'!

Comfort Me?

My idea of the ideal relationship is one where both people can sustain a day without the other, but that day is made infinitely exceptional and more desirable by the presence of the other. This concept can be substantially altered with the introduction of depression.

... This is my altered world. It is not desired or preferred. It is not always manageable or understood. But, this is the world I have to live in. I cannot easily alter this universe of mine with drugs. You take one drug only to find a sizable alteration in another area of your life. The slight difference that is seen by the drug in relation to my happiness, is thus almost pointless. I take a second drug to counter-act the ill-effects of the first. It is like being washed away at sea. I am farther and farther from who I am... floating here and there facing all consequences that happen along the way... and majorly unable to control my own fluctuation.

What a shitty existence. To be bound by some psychological and chemical fucked up happenings within me. We tell ourselves... we choose our path, we make our lives what we want them to be, we create our own future. What the fuck am I honestly creating? I do not feel I have created anything. Nor do I want to stand idly by and scream victim. I fight the current, the waves, the rocks, the sharks, the jellyfish. I flail hysterically trying to find the bottom, trying to find the footing that will allow me the ability to walk out of the water. The beautiful idea that I could control my own path. It seems out of grasp.

I went to therapy last night. My mood was semi laissez-faire. So much to control around me and such little power to do it with, it is discouraging. We talked about my upcoming breakfast with my father. In most instances I can handle my father. I have to stand taller, sit-up straighter, outline and define my motivations, and more and more often... I have to suppress my emotions.

My father cannot hold me emotionally... and every time I allow myself to be vulnerable to him, he drops me. He tells me a million reasons why being who I am is not really the best choice. He asked me when he came up to the hospital the night I attempted suicide... "why did you call your mom and not me?" I'm lying in a hospital bed with tubes, wires, and monitors... but you're right dad... this moment should be about how I've let you down.

This therapy session she wants to make me very aware of his inability to hold me. She wants me to know walking into it... that he will let me down if I allow him to. She wants me to place a barrier. She wants me to ask questions so that he doesn't have time to ask me some. As if I'm preparing for battle, I think about all the holes I have in my belly, all of the scars. It hurts. I feel afraid to ask for help from anyone, least of all a male.


I left therapy a bit torn and feeling cynical, having faced the reality that my father will, most likely, never provide the emotional support a child needs. I will never have that need fulfilled.

My lover and I went out to dinner with my cousin--my best-friend. She is going off for a summer job. I am happy for her, happy that she will get some of the fulfillment she needs after having paid an arm and a leg for her degree. I miss her smile, her soft skin, her sweet kisses, and constant reminder of love. But I know she is very busy and I try to respect her time.

I sit down to the dinner table... and I know I am triggered. Since the moment I left therapy I have been defensive, apprehensive, and vulnerable. I tell them. I tell them I am triggered... that I don't know why, but that hopefully some peace will come soon. He doesn't even acknowledge my pain. Too busy humming, tapping, twisting, and looking at his phone.

I reached out for help. I felt as though I had done what I could do to get help. He has told me that it is no longer his responsibility to reassure me. I fear ever bringing up this need to him. Just as my father sees me as this overly-emotional basket case, I think this is what my lover sees. And every time I ask for help it gets turned down.

I wonder if I should stop putting myself out there. I am so confused. Two days ago he was a bundle of love and on his way back to treating me like I was his gold. ... Today... his love feels careless and empty. It hardly feels at all. How can I ask for help when the person I would ask first has stated he will not give it?

We get home from dinner and I lie down on the couch with him for a moment. It feels like more of the same non-existence. Every part of my body is crying out in insecurity... begging him to say anything, do anything to show me you love me. I understand he must choose his words; I cannot tell him what I need to hear, but it does not mean I don’t still need it. Can we not find a middle ground, where I allow him all right to say it in his own time and in his own words, but that he still be willing to give?

I get up from the couch, without a word, and go to the bathroom. I take a single sleeping pill and go to bed to lie down. I always say goodnight, mostly because I always want him to come to bed with me... but tonight, I don't. So can’t he see I need him? Or does he just not care? Is this just my issue?

I lie in bed and cry for a few moments. How am I supposed to learn to ask for help when I’m hurting? How am I supposed to learn when the person I want to wipe away my tears doesn’t want to? I’m so lost. I’m in a relationship and feel almost as lonely as I was without one. I feel his love but I have lost so much of it. I’m afraid to ask for help. I tried tonight... at least twice... why can’t that be enough for him to know I need him to comfort me?

It’s as though we are in a relationship but our emotions are our own responsibility. I see a loving relationship as the one where we cheer each other up when we are sad. I see a relationship where one does not always have to say to the other... put your arms around me... hold me... tell me it’s going to be okay. He already knows... and takes all the pleasure in the world from being the man in my life that gets to. He wants to wipe away my tears because he hates to see me sad. He wants to hold my hand because he doesn’t want anyone’s eyes on me without them knowing we are a pair.

Am I asking for too much? Wanting to be held, loved, and comforted? I see that as a real relationship... and if it isn’t a part of this one... then what is this? I just want him to comfort me... to want to comfort me. My heart hurts again...