Too Long...

It has been a while since I have posted... but I just can't fathom the idea of writing another depressing post. I need to feel happy for a few minutes so I can post something on a more positive note.

I'm moving into a place all on my own, finally. Yes, the place I live now is mine, but I have been sharing. I am no longer willing to share. People have repeatedly let me down, and I am ready to stop relying on anyone but myself. So with working four jobs, the gym, and moving... I find moments to catch my breath very rare, few and far between.

Once I get settled I will be alone whenever I am not working. I will need to find myself, to keep my center, hold my gravity and not let go. I have been alone before and I fell into a deep depression. This time, I will walk in with medication. I got off them when I was strong, but my therapist reminds me... depression is chemical and I need help right now. So, I will go back on them for now. I will have to use my strengths, any and all of them. I will have to use what I know and love, work with it to keep me whole and safe.


I am a different person than I was when I was 16, different than I was last year, last month, and even two days ago. I am eternally evolving and getting stronger even in my weaknesses. I just have to forge on and keep reminding myself of my strengths.

Hugs to all of you who have continued to support me through this past year... and to those who I believe will continue to support me in months to come. I may have been able to make it without some of you, but I'm glad I didn't have to. Thank you blogger friends... and hopefully a good news post will happen soon!

Can I Get Off Now?

No... I don't mean an orgasm, geesh! What kind of girl do you take me for? ;)

I mean this ride? This life... of ups and way more down then any one person should ever have to endure? I want off. Even when I am at my highest... I look ahead and I see how low I am going to fall. So even in my happiest moment I am filled with fear.

I went to the gym tonight, like everynight. I was doing my run, enjoying my music, and doing my best to avoid looking his direction. I was near the end of my run and I heard a loud, loud voice boom over my music. A girl had removed her shirt to reveal a very skimpy, spaghetti strp tank and very little to no bra. Her tits were as big as mine. And as a frame of reference I am a DD. You don't fucking go to the gym with DDs and no bra support. And to top it the fuck off... you don't strip in front of the guy I'm fucking!!

I wanted to hurl myself off my machine and launch at her like a ferocious SheDevil! I filled with hate and anger. Those were my eyes! That was my smile! ... He's already moving on. I'm worthy of fucking multiple times, I'm worthy of running errands and helping him out of a bind... but that's it!?!

I remind myself... I deserve better. I pump on the weights harder and faster. I don't want to be there a moment longer than I have to be. I don't want to be in his presence. ... that fucking child. This is why I don't fuck 22 year-olds, I remind myself and angrily pound on the weights. I get out fast and head to the counter to start my tanning time.

... I am hit with a beam of the most gorgeous light. The manager is on! His incredibly, gorgeous smile; adorable, brown, spikey hair; and dimples... mmmmmm, god... the man has dimples. I ramble off my anger to him and he stands reeling me in and letting me drowned in pitty. He raises his eyebrow as I walk to my tanning room.

Inside the bed I remind myself, gym-boy is nothing. This boy, is a boy, not the hottest face, hardly able to talk, unable to take the reins and fuck me as he should... a boy! I remind myself to be happy for the sexy-man working behind the counter and to let go of the boy not worth my time.

I walk back out to the counter and start to bid him fairwell. He tells me I don't need to go. It melts me. It melts me that he enjoys having me there as much as I enjoy being there, staring into those sweet blue-gray eyes. We flirt... fearlessly... shamelessly... for over 30 minutes. It was worth the loss of sleep. He says something I thought I would definitely never hear, "if... .... then things would be different." I respect his feelings. But I still won't get over his sweet face.

Why do men make me feel like I am effortlessly flying and then being dropped from a plane in the same five-minute span? I honestly want off this roller coaster. I just want my soldier. I wish it was July aready! I wish I had him in my arms so I didn't always feel so alone! I wish I had his attention so I didn't search for something, so in vain!

It's interesting how quickly after they fuck you they lose interest. Yes, they come back a time or two... but its nothing real. It's not friendship or respect... it's just a chance to cum. ... And I'm good at making that happen, so I guess that is what I do for now. But I want off... soon, very soon?

Wash Away?

I'm normally one who prefers cold. I get hot very easily and normally, quickly thereafter I become physically ill with dizziness and nausea. But last night I accepted the heat. I stood in the shower and let the scalding hot water pour over me as I heaped against the wall sobbing. Every few moments I would reach down and inch the hot a little further towards the door. Each time it ached a little more, but not enough. I just couldn't make it hot enough... even standing there for an hour, it didn't wash away.

I wanted it to wash this fucking virus away or... wash me away. I don't care which. I feel sick and numb with hatred of this disgusting thing I have inside of me. I am already broken because I have sexual addiction, but now I am a sex addict coping with HPV. You read the same line everywhere, 'tell him, and if he is a good guy, he will stay'. ... I wouldn't. If I knew fucking a man could lead me to have cancer... I would walk away! How can I blame anyone who would feel this way? And when it comes to a one-night stand, do you think he really cares who the hell I am? I don't. I just want to be free of these thoughts and feelings of worthlessness. It comes down to a simple mathmatical equation for me.

If I determine my self-worth by how much men want to fuck me, and I am no longer fuckable since I am the sexual equivalent of a leper. Then, I am led to believe I am nothing. And I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. Someone tell me how this can ever feel okay or how I am supposed to walk away from this situation without shame. No matter how many other women in the world have this, no matter how absurdly, grossly common this is, it will not change how disgusting I feel I am for it.

I experienced the first instance of this last night and it shattered me. I don't believe seeing my illusion of self-worth through someone else's sexual desires is the way I should be living, thus everything I am working on, for, and towards... but it does not change who I am in this moment. In this moment I need to be wanted to feel like I have a reason to be. Without that want... I am nothing... so why can't I just wash away? I can't make a conscious decision to end things, but if the water would do it for me... that would be ok.