tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50498208884013758062011-09-01T21:19:33.531-04:00The inner workings of an analytical 26 year old.Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.comBlogger611100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-89992645933556597492011-08-31T12:41:00.008-04:002011-08-31T14:39:26.256-04:00

Since my last post, there has been a storm and it seems my life has turned completely up-side-down. So much so, that I'm not even sure I know what to write. But I feel I must write something because I am feeling so many things and I need to update the status of all things confucius. Ex did a complete 180. Everything I had succumbed to knowing about him changed, again. The man I decided to let

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-83592917372459730812011-08-24T12:41:00.007-04:002011-08-24T13:20:50.298-04:00

Although I had broken things off with ex a few months ago and he had moved out... we still clearly had a connection. Maybe you could classify it as a booty call. But we did other things together and liked it and in general enjoyed each others presence when it was offered. Today I had to break the news about Doc's existence. I didn't want to chance any overlap in these relationships. Friends or

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-9793385523371407402011-08-23T10:43:00.007-04:002011-08-23T12:23:54.518-04:00

Today I'm captivated by the thought of Doc. I told him that I wouldn't blog about him... but he just won't leave my thoughts. His sweet smile, his soft skin, the way his hands caress me, the way his smooth voice comforts me, the delicate warmth of his breath, and the profound allure of his tender lips. It is all driving me mad. I laid in bed with him last night... we repeated the act of talking

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-78657720934359834882011-08-22T14:10:00.007-04:002011-08-22T15:20:05.378-04:00

I was feeling reasonably confident in my ability to stand strong. I guess I have faltered in my confidence. It has been a few months since I ended things with my ex. But I never cut him off 100%. I didn't even want to. It was safe. Yeah, he was an ass at times, but I knew he was clean and he knows my body just as I know his. So we were periodically sleeping together. I know this isn't optimal,

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-54075043926465873502011-08-17T12:40:00.008-04:002011-08-18T16:26:17.783-04:00

Here I am... approximately 20 months down the road from what I thought was the love of my life. That journey ended about three months ago. I just couldn't take the mountains and valleys of life living with a man that had no touch with his emotions... or any one's for that matter. It's not that I want some unattainable, godly creation that only Katherine Heigl is worthy of. I don't need the

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-49575862827339307462011-08-16T11:26:00.008-04:002011-08-16T13:57:01.480-04:00

Wiki says, contentment can be realistically defined as "enjoyment of whatever may be desired". I desire contact (dare I say, his) and therefore, it continues to astonish me the power I let others have over me. I'm not nearly as frail, weak, or lost as I was about two years ago. This is no doubt a strength I will continue to grow, just at not nearly the pace I would hope for. But I continue to

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-1394772648009276492011-08-15T11:31:00.007-04:002011-08-15T12:28:32.748-04:00

I think I've decided to begin blogging again. The way life ebbs and flows can drive a person mad if they do not take the time to consider and reflect on all the fluctuations. I find myself at yet another point of perplexity. I want so much to feel resolved. I start to think I could find a happiness and it gets yanked away. I just begin to catch my breath and I am served another blow. One

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-5542692689969112662010-09-20T12:26:00.004-04:002010-09-20T12:42:46.411-04:00

I don’t know where I am. I feel like I am drowning. And worse yet, I know I am and I can’t do anything to stop it. I flail, scream, kick, and cry… and still I sink deeper. I fight to be stronger… and the new muscle weighs me down even more.I feel so alone. Surrounded by actions, by people, and by words… but I am still alone. I try to grab his hand and continually fall flat. His hands are

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-56410557630422918212010-07-07T23:49:00.009-04:002010-07-08T09:10:47.775-04:00

It's hard to know what to do. I feel like the relationship that started in December is gone, gone far, possibly never coming back. I don't know what to do...I fell madly in love with this man. I fell madly in love with our connection. I fell in love with everything about 'us'.I fear the new 'us' does not include me...I fear my feelings, so hard I want to numb myself to the bone with

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-62637591128536622182010-06-25T08:31:00.008-04:002010-06-25T10:55:59.470-04:00

My idea of the ideal relationship is one where both people can sustain a day without the other, but that day is made infinitely exceptional and more desirable by the presence of the other. This concept can be substantially altered with the introduction of depression. ... This is my altered world. It is not desired or preferred. It is not always manageable or understood. But, this is the

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-28119204974982805042010-06-21T15:56:00.007-04:002010-06-21T16:31:02.905-04:00

Oh my god... I hate myself so much!!! I need too much! I want to turn it off like a switch, a switch I am so sick of dragging around behind me, on top of me, covering me, smothering me.The idea of time apart makes me sick. Makes my stomache churn, my body shiver, my heart pound, my throat soar, and my eyes well up. For him... nothing? For him... it is of no effect. For him... it is of no

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-89475954221429211112010-06-21T08:34:00.008-04:002010-06-21T09:39:43.578-04:00

I find myself in a mess of emotion and confusion, once again. It is the little things, the in between things, and the say it like you mean it moments. I'm lost somewhere between... I know this is what I need to be happy and this is what he is willing to give to make me happy. In between, I have to figure out what is worth fighting for. I have to figure out what I am willing to do without and

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-17979418446693128992010-06-17T09:46:00.008-04:002010-06-17T13:54:47.703-04:00

I find myself trying to entice him, to lure him, to intrigue him, and to captivate him. I want him and I want him all to myself. I have become so greedy and determined to keep him, always.I lay there in the dimly lit room... in my black and pink, pin-stripped babydoll... his favorite. Waiting to hear him walk in the door... I try to keep myself busy. Having just replaced the batteries my best

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-76154515443497356352010-06-15T11:17:00.008-04:002010-06-15T13:14:14.744-04:00

Our relationship has started over in a way. It is a whole new beginning... sad in some ways, happy in others. It is like starting over with fresh eyes and planning to be stronger and smarter. Knowing each other's weaknesses and strengths we have more to grow on.I am scared in a hundred new ways. And my sense of his devotion and love for me is blurred almost beyond recognition. When we

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-75537228628758879952010-06-14T10:45:00.006-04:002010-06-15T13:18:48.703-04:00

eginning last Friday it seemed my life could not find an up. I struggled to stay afloat and the surging waves and relentless tide demanded that I go under. It is suffocating and defeating breath after breath... stroke after stroke. My own life is toxic. The barrage of shitty moments is too much for me to bare. Why should I try to fight back?Everything was already in shambles but the day,

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-14657621013358425092010-06-08T10:38:00.005-04:002010-06-08T11:20:46.167-04:00

I think about his fun weekend. ... or at least un-miserable weekend.I think about how he tells me he had to let me walk out and not follow me so that I could see that my actions needed to stop. And yet everything he did this weekend were actions of a single man, or at least not one in this relationship.I think I fucked up. I think I learned my lesson and I wish he would have told me he

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-9107436292199621122010-06-08T00:08:00.006-04:002010-06-08T01:08:40.651-04:00

I wonder why I am sitting here... a quater past midnight. I wonder why I can't stop sobbing. I wonder when might these bouts of fear and doubt go the fuck away?You're probably wondering where the hell I've been and what the hell I'm talking about. Approximately Christmas time I met someone. Everything was magical and pure. I am pulling my same usual bullshit of running away. Why the hell

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-51107056722293315902010-03-25T11:33:00.003-04:002010-03-25T12:25:36.949-04:00

Standing in the shower I feel warm water trickle down my sides and saturate me. It is warm, soothing, and enticing, as water normally is. I push back my hair and feel it grow wet and heavy with water. I close my eyes and when thoughts of feeling loved, comfy, sexy, and warm would normally fill my mind... I am filled with doubt and confusion. Maybe to the rest of the world this makes absolutely

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-63315056004664841742010-01-25T19:29:00.011-05:002010-06-08T00:07:11.585-04:00

That's it... I've found it! I've found the one! I've found the man that makes me walk down the aisles at the local grocery store with a shit-eating grin spread wide across my face for seemingly no reason at all. The man that makes me walk like I've been inspired by something so glorious I could probably never frown again. But... I really hope you know I've never eaten a bit of shit in all my

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-91280260496432495122009-12-19T13:58:00.009-05:002009-12-19T14:42:42.862-05:00

It has been a while since I have posted... but I just can't fathom the idea of writing another depressing post. I need to feel happy for a few minutes so I can post something on a more positive note. I'm moving into a place all on my own, finally. Yes, the place I live now is mine, but I have been sharing. I am no longer willing to share. People have repeatedly let me down, and I am ready to

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-81684789500623681842009-12-04T01:15:00.008-05:002009-12-04T01:54:58.401-05:00

No... I don't mean an orgasm, geesh! What kind of girl do you take me for? ;)I mean this ride? This life... of ups and way more down then any one person should ever have to endure? I want off. Even when I am at my highest... I look ahead and I see how low I am going to fall. So even in my happiest moment I am filled with fear. I went to the gym tonight, like everynight. I was doing my run,

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-62450149674494124702009-11-25T12:50:00.006-05:002009-11-25T13:41:07.857-05:00

I'm normally one who prefers cold. I get hot very easily and normally, quickly thereafter I become physically ill with dizziness and nausea. But last night I accepted the heat. I stood in the shower and let the scalding hot water pour over me as I heaped against the wall sobbing. Every few moments I would reach down and inch the hot a little further towards the door. Each time it ached a

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-76599532343672363732009-11-24T19:28:00.008-05:002009-11-24T22:25:25.129-05:00

Talking to a guy tonight he said something that rang with me. He said something that I have heard quite a few times. Something that I have proven wrong in every possible instance, thus far in my life. It's that line about giving me a back rub. You know the one where they tell you its just about making you feel good and helping you to relax. That this massage will not be about getting into

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-46213859186486147672009-11-19T20:37:00.008-05:002009-11-19T21:32:00.282-05:00

In 99.9% of all of my sexual activities... I am not the aggressor. I am such a happy follower. You want your cock in my mouth... I'll put your cock in my mouth. You want me on top... baby, I'm on top. But when a guy is shy, it just can't work this way. I become like a hungry lionness starving for a kill. So after three grueling months of watching this incredibly hot guy watch me at the gym,

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-7773863523722493622009-11-15T00:26:00.006-05:002009-11-15T01:39:22.079-05:00

The drive home is always the same. It's a blank stare out my windshield. It is a stare so strong I lose my place... I fade into the dashed lines and the double yellows. I follow the road some how oblivious to where I am going. It is mechanical and I am blind. I don't see... I am numb... I am probably high.Why did I go there, why did I drive my car, why did I rearrange my time, how did I

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-27060972651830482542009-10-26T15:41:00.005-04:002009-10-26T16:20:34.435-04:00

I came to a place last week where I felt like all the addiction was piling up. Smothering me in a mess of all things unhealthy. I'd take one opportunity as it came, and the next, and again the next. But as much as I love the sex... the strangers, the unhealthy patterns, and the bad situations... the emotional sabotage was getting to be too great. It was more than I could afford internally.So,

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-36186669738813489782009-10-22T09:14:00.005-04:002009-10-22T09:48:30.442-04:00

Ok... so obviously I suck lately! And we're not talking blowjobs! I have been seriously slacking off on writing. Shame on me! Writing is so important to me. So in all things I do... I should continue to write. Things, ideas, blog-spiration comes to me... but I never seem to find the time to write. So we'll just call this a bad spot in my writing journey. But I just wanted to let you all

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-7160409711814646382009-10-04T15:24:00.008-04:002009-10-04T16:16:10.892-04:00

And now I know why I had that feeling it would turn into a one-night stand. I feel like someone just took the little trust I had left in males and beat the fuck out of it with an iron frying pan...I was walking through the grocery store, minding my own business, wishing the incredible pain in my neck would go away and... I saw him. My gut impulse was to jump behind something to hide but I kept

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-73192659127527582002009-10-03T23:29:00.011-04:002009-10-04T00:19:49.039-04:00

What's your dream date he asks...A: I don't really know. I guess I normally do whatever he wants to do.B: I want to give you the best, so tell me what YOU want.A: I guess dinner... followed by a walk by the lake, the chance to talk, get more comfortable with eachother... maybe head back to my place for a movie and the possibility of distraction.B: I love it. All of it, sounds perfect for

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-38445612305626931902009-09-30T23:49:00.007-04:002009-10-01T01:03:21.448-04:00

I'm not sure where I am right now. I just know I'm there alone. I know there are people all around that love me and whom I love. I know I have close friends, I have relatives, an incredible mother, and step mother. I know they are all around, but wherever I go, whenever I go... I go alone.I go grocery shopping and I look around at all these people. They are deciding what goes in the cart,

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-16708256655270509472009-09-24T01:18:00.003-04:002009-09-24T02:27:14.633-04:00

A friend of mine asked me to join a fun little movement... Synchroblogging. The main idea here is several people doing a blog on the same theme. The blog theme this time is which super power you would have if you could have one. I think if I had to choose a super power I'd want to know when people are lying. I know this wasn't an option, really, but it is what would be most beneficial to me

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-53788593289084716172009-09-20T00:31:00.006-04:002009-09-26T18:49:02.091-04:00

I've recently found such a huge passion for going to my gym. When I first started going to the gym I thought it was crappy. I never got the energy. It was a challenge to get my ass up, dressed, out the door. It was all about motivation and wanting to be there, and the truth was I didn't want to be there. But I've found a reason to be there.Part of my huge desire to go has to do with the 45 lbs

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-14142051358684712902009-09-19T12:03:00.003-04:002009-09-19T13:29:24.737-04:00

For the last week I've had fleeting thoughts dance through my head about what I wanted my next blog topic to be but nothing has been able to stick. I commonly speak of a passion I need in order to write. Something that fires up inside of me strong and hot to keep me compelled. Recently I've found myself climbing a rock... and I have reached the spot where not one of the damn foot-holes near me

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-58390635070579583512009-09-13T22:07:00.011-04:002009-09-14T00:16:52.479-04:00

All I can ever be is me. I was born in this skin. I was born with these eyes and this smile. I walk in these shoes. And tomorrow I will wake up as that same me. I do not write to please anyone. Yes... somewhere in the back of my mind I want to be appreciated, somewhere in the back of my mind I always want to please. But the day I sat down to start writing... I sat down for me. I sat down to vent,

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-91427713918701643752009-09-12T15:57:00.004-04:002009-09-14T02:39:32.036-04:00

My ex found my blog.I don't know what to do.Do I take it down? Do I write with the same freedom, love, and passion I have been until this day?... definitely confused!!!

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-39762102654414038162009-09-10T23:24:00.018-04:002009-09-11T11:15:13.518-04:00

So I seem to have stepped into some fucked up alternate universe where there are a ton of men. Everywhere I turn there are new ones. Hot ones too!! ... And they want me... what kind of bullshit propaganda is that?You're probably asking yourself how in sam-hell I could be bitching about this!?! Well... let me tell you, I am not a juggler! In no part of my life have I ever been good at handling

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-45755066111415765782009-09-02T23:09:00.007-04:002009-09-04T18:55:34.593-04:00

I think when I started writing I thought I would just vent. Who is around to hear me? What do they care if I'm a bitch, slut, or even a raging fucking looney? But I've grown to care. I've grown to want to please. I want to write and be stimulating, moving, and enthralling. And when I feel like shit... I'm afraid of letting you down, as well as myself. But this is all I have... this is what's on

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-37047218663994382962009-08-21T11:56:00.005-04:002009-08-21T12:27:58.595-04:00

At the moment... I need to remind myself to let go. I need to remind myself I cannot control everything. I need to remember I can't fix it all at once but only take a step at a time. I feel like everything around me is a mess. I start to feel an ounce of control and happiness for living and something walks by the blackboard and all the chalk is reduced to incoherent smears and smudges of dust.I

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-31123317599441086022009-08-19T21:30:00.006-04:002009-08-19T22:46:02.373-04:00

For the last couple weeks... I have been fighting the urges that had once felt so primal to me. I don't want to make it sound like I'm all the shit, cause God knows there are too many out there that already believe that they are, but I have a waiting list. Or at least figuratively. It's not like I make them take numbers or anything, they just choose to stick around, to wait, and to want. The ones

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-91109032687341664302009-08-12T09:57:00.005-04:002009-08-12T12:17:27.460-04:00

Last night was the best night for one of the biggest meteor showers of the year. I have to admit I don't honestly believe I've seen a shooting star before. I always look up longingly waiting for something to fly across the sky. I look like a little girl with such innocence looking up this macrocosm. It's incredible. It's untouchable. It's infinite. ... and I am in awe.I remember when I was little

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-16161788672389311512009-08-09T20:41:00.007-04:002009-08-09T22:27:27.112-04:00

I've been trying to meet people off and on from the internet. Sometimes I care, sometimes I don't. But recently I found the sweetest guy to talk with and hang out with and I've found myself completely perplexed with the whole situation.I started talking to the guy one of the strangest ways possible, but for the sake of the story all that matters is that he came from the internet. He expressed

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-2797760176828056202009-08-04T11:48:00.003-04:002009-08-04T12:28:07.355-04:00

Does anyone actually do what they say they are going to anymore? I mean, I know men are men. But there has to be some degree of... 'I told this person I would see them, so I should see them'. Doesn't there???So for those of you curious about my Monday night endeavors... they didn't happen. What the fuck do I care, honestly... my sexual needs are completely filled ... for now. But I went on my

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-76086918495628183642009-08-03T09:03:00.013-04:002009-08-03T11:40:40.468-04:00

This weekend felt much like what I would imagine a failure feels like... much like I expected it would feel when you get too happy, too pleased, and satisfied all that is left is a crash. Life, afterall, cannot always be happy, can it? There I was on my mountain of hidden gold just enjoying the view but I feel like I hit a mud slide, maybe not even just one but a series of them.I guess there was

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-31290790726713762752009-07-29T21:10:00.005-04:002009-07-29T22:38:07.920-04:00

You know those days in your life when somehow all the clutter clears away and the dream for your life almost seems within reach... maybe just barely at your finger tips right now. You're focused on exactly what you want and it seems nothing will shake your persistance. ... That's how I feel right now.But that feeling only lasts so long. Somehow you get ripped from that momentum. You were on a

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-77436175873775348612009-07-27T13:09:00.004-04:002009-07-27T14:44:44.250-04:00

The weekend proved to be a good test of my new-found goal at happiness. I do think I faired quite well. It felt a much like a roller coaster though. There were moments when I felt pleased with myself and with my surroundings and moments when I succombed to the temptation to want beyond my current surroundings.I started off by writing my list on Friday and hoping I could make the very best of all

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-47187597963383417642009-07-24T12:49:00.009-04:002009-07-24T14:39:45.595-04:00

Ok... so everyone keeps telling me over and over how I need to be happy with me. I need to find happiness with myself. I need to love me before I can love anyone else.Holy fuck... does anyone actually know how to do any of this? I want to be happy. I truly believe that's what we were put on this planet to do. Find our happiness, figure out what makes us smile more than anything else and do it as

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-78754084020095686782009-07-22T13:03:00.008-04:002009-09-13T19:11:09.357-04:00

There are some out there that just don't know how to be honest... I get stuck in the situation where I feel like I've said the same thing tens times, and somehow still don't feel like the other person is hearing me. Am I not saying it right, are they not listening, or do they just not care to hear? For instance... I've been talking to a local guy for a few days. He found me online, of course, and

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-70713524075213598322009-07-20T22:09:00.005-04:002009-07-20T23:42:21.955-04:00

I sit in another wave of confusion. My body aches with sadness. I fight this battle inside myself everyday. The good versus the bad. The intellect versus the lust. The friend versus the the sexual deviant. I really feel quite trapped in this cycle.I look around and men don't exist. Not real ones. Not the ones that hold your hand. Not the ones that would kiss your belly if you told them it hurt.

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-10388722892972574052009-07-19T14:49:00.003-04:002009-07-19T16:10:32.110-04:00

I went out last night with my new roommate. I really had such an awesome time. Got way more shit-faced than, honestly, necessary. I have such a thing for the club. I love the excercise and the music. I love having it so loud I can feel it.I am confused about the men though. The ones that stand around and just watch. I feel sort of like I'm at a meat market and I'm on show. Oh... "look at the

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-45357681046497879622009-07-17T13:14:00.005-04:002009-07-17T17:59:52.051-04:00

I've spent some time considering whether or not to get a tattoo. Mostly it comes up when I meet someone new. We start talking details and it inevitably comes down to, "Do you have any tattoos?"I don't actually. For a long period of my life I sort of thought they were ugly. I thought tattoos were something dirty and tended to look barbaric. You know, gangsters get tattoos to label themselves part

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-92027713264411084552009-07-16T12:31:00.004-04:002009-07-16T14:36:00.588-04:00

I am so filled with hate. I hate my ex. I hate that I said yes. I hate that all the times I tried to say we need to cancel the wedding he ignored me and told me I was just scared. I hate that when my father came over and told him he was making a mistake by not cancelling I didn't chime in with my father. I hate myself for letting it all happen.I want to erase this all from my life. Erase spending

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-26910331713686517432009-07-15T08:49:00.005-04:002009-07-15T11:30:05.587-04:00

For the past several months, I have found myself wishing for time flucuating abilities. :D These past few weeks have been flying.A few weeks ago I was in a place where I would have done anything just to pause. I wanted stay as happy and as at peace as I was... for as long as possible. The truth is, it probably would have been a combination of the rewind button followed by play... over and over

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-65730510237983944512009-07-13T10:11:00.005-04:002009-07-13T15:09:14.683-04:00

So, here's my current rant...I went pre-law for a that one year and loved the hell out of the law, but not the crappy prerequisites that came along with the Bachelors degree. So when I decided I should go back to school I wanted it to be short and sweet. I wanted to get the courses I needed and get out as fast as possible. So I went to a technical school to get the Associates and got it over in

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-82041444105423977812009-07-12T12:12:00.006-04:002009-07-13T14:50:27.942-04:00

Ok, so I'm going swimming today. My cousin invited me out on the boat with her and her father. I dove at the opportunity. I absolutely love water. How could I not, I am a water baby after all. I love feeling the cool silky sensation surround every inch of my body. And when it's hot out, truly nothing could be better.My confusion comes mainly from my past experiences from water. Inching my way

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-64331198287690699902009-07-11T21:23:00.007-04:002009-07-17T23:53:45.621-04:00

So, what's the deal with internet dating? I've spent all of my mature life - past the ripe age of 13 - online, hoping to run into just the right person. But is it really all that special?If you look to the bars ... All we have is women and men mixing about intoxicated or on the way to be. People have to go with friends so you have competition and peer pressure. You don't have the little

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-76211312628823894872009-07-10T23:43:00.008-04:002009-07-11T00:57:12.455-04:00

The moment waiting for the guest-of-honor to arrive at the birthday party. Everyone rustling and bustling, eating and drinking, talking and moving about... just waiting for that very second to come. They are all on the tips of their toes, the edges of their seats. Talking muffled and hushed listening intently for the sound of feet nearing or the jingle of keys unlocking. Just so we can all hide

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-25972163378826067762009-07-10T08:39:00.004-04:002009-07-10T09:48:51.538-04:00

Do you ever drive down the road completely entranced in the music, connected to the road, free from thought...? What about with someone beside you...? That's the moment I want right now...The feel of your eyes on me... It's like I was lost in this moment and you found me. You found all of me. Feeling them stare at you... almost loving you. Seeing all the beauty you possess and the potential for

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-72020080049072932342009-07-09T12:12:00.005-04:002009-07-09T12:57:55.890-04:00

So... I went to the doctors yesterday. I'm so sick of the doctors. I'm about 95% sure those people are clueless. I think maybe just as clueless as I am. I walk in and point my finger in the configuration of my symptoms. They scrath their heads and nod. ... At first, I say, I had really bad heart burn that just wouldn't go away. ... Then, I mention, the growing intensity of back pain. Pretty

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-20167925681005919962009-07-08T21:25:00.007-04:002009-07-09T13:55:17.906-04:00

Ok... so I get that I'm an attention whore... but really.I drive hard, really hard. I love the speed of a vehicle on curves, speeding even faster out of them. I love the control I have over such a huge powerful machine. God, its intoxicating. And I love the power it has over me. Wonder what it would feel like to drive a race car. When I drive 90 down the highway and start to feel the vibrations

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-86668829691496289082009-07-08T14:32:00.004-04:002009-07-08T21:15:13.710-04:00

I constantly wonder, 'where the fuck am I supposed to go next'. I know I'm definitely not where I want to be. When I was little... I longed to be big. I always wanted to be at the next age mile-marker. When I was 5, I longed to be 10. ... When I was 10, I longed to be 13, and then 16, and then 18, and then 21. ... So where am I now. I'm 24 and my life still feels... well, not there yet.I hurried

Confessions Of My Confusionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06573482815224690444noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5049820888401375806.post-33368071440574636572009-07-08T13:13:00.003-04:002009-10-04T22:13:47.954-04:00

I guess the first thing I should do... is start? I love to write. I have thoughts in my head all day everyday, whirling around, bumping into other thoughts, and in general causing confusion and what seems like utter chaos. I write usually when forced or compelled beyond belief. Usually, I write some form of erotic story, a letter requesting explanation, or in past years in a moment of conviction

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